Friends and acquaintances are constantly posting all the fun and cool things they’re doing together on Facebook, and I’m feeling envious of their companionships. This is such a weird time in the world where social media presents everything everyone’s doing, and you see the fun through posted pictures, and read their inside jokes, and I know that’s life. I don’t need to be included; I’m not going to get to do everything, and that should be fine. It shouldn’t make me sad, and if I had money, or was feeling better, or, or, or… I could have gone too, to the things I knew about.
I need to stop looking at other people’s posts on Facebook. It just makes me feel left out, and bad about being in poverty, and living with depression, and I don’t need extra reasons to feel terrible, especially this time of year when my depression gets worse and my isolation grows. I guess it’s time to take a break from that medium, but it’s also where I get most of my information these days. I know I can break the habit, and it will be good for my mental health. I am friends with a bunch of theater people but they’re more or less all in the same peer group, and I’m, once again, ‘other’. I’m flattered to be included and liked, but we don’t have much in common except theater. They’re in their twenties and thirties, all finding their way into their adulthood, and I’ve been there, done that. I’m holding on to this sinking raft, and they’re helping me stay afloat, but any extra weight gets too heavy after a while.
Because I’m in a lonely part of my life, I get attached, or hopeful for a true, everyday, friend more easily now, but it’s not just for me that I’ve got to let go, but for one or two people who I’ve felt close with but I sense that their friendship is more out of charity than authenticity.
Maybe, life, as I’ve heard before, is just a series of goodbyes after one painful and crazy hello into this world. I know that some people meet and stay friends their whole lives, but that’s definitely the exception, at least in my life. Time will move on; this darkness will pass, the season will change, and I will endure. I have lots to occupy my time, and so many things to tend to, so I’ll focus on that and all will be well, especially once I get away from the things that hurt more than help.
© seekingsearchingmeaning (aka Hermionejh) and Life On Earth’s Blog, 2010 – infinity.