Treading water takes more energy than it looks. Platitudes about attitude, and thought re-adjustment cross my path, and I try. I do my best to remember that those sayings are talismans against another’s dark hour, and not assessing me. So many have tried to describe this darkness, this macabre underworld, and only those who have experienced it understand.
Sylvia Plath wrote about looking through a bell jar, and when I read those words, I felt understood, and worse, I felt destined to her fate. I judged her for leaving two children behind, but that’s how depression is. It warps you. You don’t see the way others without depression see. I don’t know which sight is more accurate, but it’s like living in two worlds. Is that what Lewis Carroll was describing in, Through The Looking Glass, or Alice In Wonderland?
It’s not every moment, and I doubt most of my associates would even guess my reality because I live with this as others live with any other burden. I forgot that the flare ups try to knock you out, and kick you while you’re down. Living with this makes you not fear death because you already know about hell, and perhaps that is where redemption lies.
I have sworn my troth, and will not waver today.
© seekingsearchingmeaning (aka Hermionejh) and Life On Earth’s Blog, 2010 – infinity.