I was reading a post of a young woman harassed by a group of men, the most vocal of the guys trash-talking toward and about her to impress his friends. This woman’s response revealed what she had endured from men just that day in which she worried about whether she would be raped. This wasn’t a one-off situation. This happens all. the. time.
I started thinking about our story similarities, and while they still happen to me, they occur less frequently. Not only was I being molested by an older brother starting when I was around seven, but at nine, a group of boys about a year older, their ring-leader brandishing a knife from where he stood on the rise headed up toward a rail overpass, him and his friends all leering down at me while he talked about maybe fucking me. I was nine. Thankfully I knew his sister and had seen him once before so I called him out by name, saying I would tell his sister, and he and his group backed off. Imagine if I hadn’t ever met him before that morning on my way to school.
I’m eleven and my friend and I, tired from trying to wield her bike with one of us on the handlebars or bike seat by turns on the four mile ride to her house, decided to take turns riding the bike for a long stretch and then waiting for the other to catch up. We had just switched turns for the last leg and I was to walk the last quarter-mile or so and meet her at my house. The guy on the side of the road with his pick-up truck’s hood up must have seen our bike switch and was waiting for me. He seemed a lot older to me, probably somewhere between his twenties and thirties. He asked me how far it was to the center of town. A street sign practically next to his head stated how far the town center was, and in which direction, which was his next question. I thought he was very stupid. As I’m walking away he calls out ‘hey kid’. I turn to look at him, and he’s jacking off walking toward me. Thankfully my flight response kicked in and I ran to the first house I saw, which was the longest hundred yards or so I’ve ever run, and I was screaming and banging on the door, not daring to turn around, and finally a woman came to the door and I pushed past her, the wild animal I had become, screaming for her to save me. The man was long gone, and I’ve never been able to look at a man in painter’s pants without wanting to throw up ever since that day.
A man I knew, we’ll say he was a neighbor, for brevity, was molesting me every chance he got. He had digitally raped me, forced me to tongue kiss him, and humped me (because what harm is there if he didn’t penetrate me with his penis?), and I wasn’t the only little girl he was molesting.
I lost my virginity through rape at fourteen by the leader of the commune/cult, a man eleven years my senior. I said ‘no’, but he laughed at me and continued. I tried to stop it, but I should never have had to face that situation with him because of his position of authority, and because I said ‘no’.
In my teens and twenties men unabashedly remarked on my ‘nice ass’. I hate my body. I hate my ass most of all. I wish I could cut it off of me. One day, I finally snapped and viciously told the next guy who talked about my ass what a disgusting creep he was, and what made him think it was OK to say anything at all about my body? - and he didn’t apologize for being inappropriate. He called me a bitch.
I had recently moved to California, had a fight with my roommate, and left in a huff to the corner 7-Eleven. As I’m walking into the parking lot, a man in a truck slows, puts his window down, and tells me in a hoarse whisper that he’d like to fuck me. You’d think I wouldn’t be shocked anymore, but I was. It was still dark out, and we were alone enough that terror swept over me and I worried I might get raped. I couldn’t call my friend to come pick me up, and I shook for the entire short walk back to her apartment, and never spoke of the incident until now.
I was so deeply ashamed by these sexual assaults, and others, that I almost killed myself. All this sickness I’ve endured through out my life has shown me that I am an object, that my value is only in what others can take from me.
What happened to me is mild compared to what happens to women here in the United States and all over the world every day. There is no good god. We are on our own, and it is up to us to stop it. I hope we do.
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© seekingsearchingmeaning (aka Hermionejh) and Life On Earth’s Blog, 2010 – infinity.
Yes, it has happened once. But remember that it’s not you with the problem…it’s those dick-heads. This has been going on for-e-ver. I’m 67 years old, and I’ve heard stories about women in my generation, my mother’s and my grandmother’s generations enduring the same thing. So you know it’s always been that way. These dick-heads do this because it is the only way they can feel like a man.
But…you have to remember that not all men are like that…there are many men out there who are genuinely kind and caring and find that kind of behavior in others totally revolting, just like we do. Please remember that.
Thanks for your thoughts. Because of the multiple experiences I’ve had across a wide spectrum of my life, it definitely skewed my view of life. I do know there are good men because I know quite a few who have never taken advantage of me, or made me feel at risk in any way. I wish I could end the abuse of children and adults as well, but I think it messes you up as a child in ways that it can’t once you’re an adult and your brain has done most of its developing. I know that sexual assault is traumatizing no matter what your age is, I just think it’s compounded when you’re a child. Take care. Jerri
Jerri,
I don’t know what to say.
I’m shocked, horrified, and upset, and angry about what has happened to you.
Please don’t feel like an object.. no one is an object, you are a human being, a woman with a life and feelings,loves and hates, a person in your own right not some inanimate object there to be abused.
I understand your shame, but please understand this is not your fault, you are the victim here, not the perpetrator, and also that not every man ( or everyone) thinks like that.
Wasn’t there anyone you could tell.. someone to put a halt to these horrible things happening?
There are many people on here that have no desire to take anything from you except the words that you write in your posts, and your comments on their blogs.
I understand now your reaction to the guy in the office who was making comments, and why you felt how you did.
This must have taken a lot of courage to write, the memories particularly painfull.
I think you are very brave and courageous and I hope you find someone who will be your rock, someone who will make you feel like the person you are, not an object ( which you aren’t.)
Please take care of yourself, and know that not everyone is out to screw you over, and use you and abuse you.
Love n hugs
xxx
Thank you Nick. I have alluded to my assaults before, but never wrote about it like this until I saw that other young woman’s post and how she talked about women always being vigilant wherever we are. We worry about being raped pretty much every day, especially when we’re in our young adulthood. I related to her post so much that I was compelled to write about my experiences, and the terror that it caused me. The perpetrators lack empathy and seek power over, that much is clear, so they won’t have remorse for what they did, or even think it caused the kind of harm that it does.
I do know that there are good men in this world. I have met lots of them, but it’s difficult to know who’s good and who isn’t. I tend to meet users now, even if they aren’t rapists. I’ve let go of that aspect of my life, which is fine because I’ve been a parent, I’ve been in a relationship and know what that’s like, and I have healthy interests that I’m engaging in now.
I appreciate your response because you seem like a kind, respectful, empathetic man, and I appreciate that so much! I feel much less shame these days than I used to! Take care, Jerri.
I’ve walked in your shoes and been in that place of shame for being violated and treated like a non-human. I believe I’ve been scarred for life. Even with the healing that has taken place in this area, it doesn’t take much to re-open a wound and I feel the anger and rage towards little men who feel the need to use power over women to feel good about themself. I know many men who are beautiful souls who respect all of humanity, and then there are those who are just lost and small. I sigh with sadness.
Thank you for telling your story. I just posted a lagniappe piece by Eckhart Tolle on this topic.
Thank you Brenda, I appreciate your comments, and feel like sexual assault is one of the hardest things to recover from. I appreciate your thoughts & wish you ever more healing as well. Take care, Jerri
I would suppose that when I was growing up I was very fortunate not to have had any kind of experiences that you had. I know that while my mother was a single Mom she was also very protective..I used to think overly so, but when I read not only your story but many others I realize that she knew she had to be. I can only imagine the trauma that you lived and still do..to this day. And I am so sorry for this abuse you endured and so many other girls and women still do to this day….Diane
Thank you Diane. I appreciate your thoughts and kindness. I know far too many women who’ve been sexually and physically assaulted, and it needs to end. We can be better than that, and keep mentally ill people away from others. Rape and molestation need to become death penalty offenses, and then it will start to change, or we’ll start to have far fewer sexual predators! Sincerely, Jerri
That feeling of being helpless, powerless and violated never really goes away. Little things can sometimes trigger big responses in the memories they bring up from deeply buried places. I have been in and out of therapy since my teens and unfortunately I have only after my divorce learnt to draw my boundaries really tightly around letting other’s (men) making me feel like I was nothing more than a object. Reading your post brought back so many feelings.
I am taking a two day course this weekend on combat self-defense. I learnt to fight eventually in my teens, physically fight, but I still want to know for sure that I can break a nose at least if needed, if the situation demands it.
Sometimes just knowing that you CAN fight back, with words, with a loud voice, with refusing to be silent, with fists if needed….. boost me up. Works for me anyway.
I know you are in a good place now and I hope going forward it stays that way. Good luck! and thank you for writing a gut-wrenching honest post about what this feels like.
Thanks so much for your input, Arman! I took a Rape Aggression Defense class and I’m so glad I did. The Sheriff’s office sponsored it and one of the officers teaching the course took me aside and told me that if I react in life the way I was with him as a teacher, I’ll do well because I scared the crap out of him with all that pent up rage. Lol. Someone someday is going to say or do the wrong thing at the wrong time to me again, and they will live to regret it! I learned so much from that course and have only had to use the knowledge a couple of times because I learned mostly how to avoid situations. I felt the need to speak my reality because no one would suspect what happened to me if they met me. All the counselors and doctors I’ve worked with said I ‘present well’ – sometimes too well because I wasn’t getting the help I needed at first. I had to demand more help from providers because I learned how to bear trauma fairly well – until it wasn’t working anymore. I’d much rather be kind and compassionate with myself, and know how to take care of myself too. I’m sad for whatever your experience has been, but grateful for another woman warrior friend!
I was told the same by my last psychiatrist. I eventually ended up working with him as a counselor after I started diagnosing my problems before he did
It was a very good experience for me.
Among my friends, I am the counselor & keeper of secrets. Apparently I am very good at keeping my emotions out and dealing with situations with logic. Doesn’t do much for my dating life though .. lol.
Lol Arman, I am much the same way! I have such better perspective and advice for my friends than I’m often able to follow myself. I’m getting better at it though – and it sounds like you are too! Cheers! Jerri
It’s a work in progress! I have to keep reminding myself that I do deserve better and I deserve my own compassion, love and kindness too…
Yes! Absolutely!