Venting

Ever have one of those days, or a stretch of days, when things aren’t so great and you’re a ball of neediness and instead of just being available because it’s temporary, those who’ve traditionally been available shy away as though you’re toxic or ‘too much’ or whatever their term or phrase might be, and you realize that you’ve overestimated your importance to them, and then you start to question anything you’ve ever relied on, which actually might be a good thing because I think the point is that the only person, place or thing you can rely on is yourself, even though you are so thick in the hell of disequilibrium that having a sane, or relatively sane, friend present and available would be the best remedy, but just then you realize their limitation and you have to land your metaphorical plane solo even though at that moment they have better piloting skills than you, but, hey, they never promised you anything when you get down to it, and you can’t fault them because they never did agree to be anything at all to you, but somehow you thought there was an implied ‘hey, I’m here for you, man’ – but again, that was my assumption – and now I’m an ass, and alone with my crazy stupid thoughts which are not any less crazy because now not only do I have the original issue I was having difficulty with, but I also feel like a contemptible freak because I told someone the truth about where I was, and it was the wrong someone, but I can’t take it back because it’s already out there, so now I just have to realize that ‘friend’ has been downgraded to ‘acquaintance’ and maybe even ‘casual acquaintance’, and now I am laughing because of the freakish nature of this stupid life that I will be so happy to leave, while far better people than me die far too young when they would have been the ones to do worthwhile things here?  So, I apologize to you too.  I don’t get it either, but if my being here helps one other person on this god-forsaken world, then, cool.

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© seekingsearchingmeaning (aka Hermionejh) and Life On Earth’s Blog, 2010 – infinity.

Author: Hermionejh

Laughter is my drug.

8 thoughts on “Venting”

  1. I almost got run over by an asshole dollar van yesterday. It was pouring rain, and the Grand Army Plaza circle had just been repaved. Traffic flow off Eastern Parkway had been detoured around the Plaza Street outer circle. I picked the wrong crossing, no lights, just a sign Yield to Pedestrians. A constant flow of cars backed up around a normally empty street. One of same stopped to let me across. I went, shielded by my umbrella, but as I did so a black dollar van came charging from behind line of cars, and though I was not invisible this douchebag did not slow down at all. He missed me by inches but not before I hurled SLOW DOWN ASSHOLE through the passenger side window. The occupants were hidden behind the over-tinted van windows. How many of them were old ladies who had suffered similar near death pedestrian experiences at the hands of aggressive male drivers? Mr Douchebag and his penis were in such a big fucking hurry to nowhere, because up ahead the traffic was choked up anyway. Was my life really worth less to you than your all-important hardon penis, Mr Pussy Hole?

    That’s my rant, and that said, I am glad I survived this incident. I don’t mind the quiet emptiness of plain old unadorned life. I like knowing I am here and that one day I will not be. I find that interesting to contemplate. I like searching for my friends the chimney swifts in the brilliant cloudy puffs of late afternoon. Life hurts. I’m one of the loneliest people I know. Haters gonna hate. I’m a curmudgeon, an old-timer. Still, I’m content to see the sun and shadows moving across the silent sky. I’m glad to be alive even when nothing exciting is going on. I hope you will be too one day Jer.

    1. Thanks Afan, I always enjoy your writing and your thoughts on anything!
      I’m glad you got to yell at the douche-bag at least! I’ve actually been trying to slow down in my driving because I like to go fast, but I never drive like that in city traffic – especially if there were a line of cars already slowed because experience has shown that there’s usually a reason for that!
      I think I am slowly getting to being okay with just being, but I have to stop having expectations of life, and that has been really hard to do for whatever reason. I know as time goes on, it does get easier – and before I know it – it will be over!

  2. The frantic pace of this trail of thoughts felt very familiar as did a lot of your sentiments. Personally I think it is always right to be real, even if the other person isn’t in a place to rise to meet you there. When I’m asking myself the big questions about what life means I sometimes wonder if it is a little thing… a little conversation, a word. It is beautiful sad that we never really know how valuable we are to others.

    1. Thank you! I appreciate your response and I agree that it’s always good to be real, but that doesn’t mean someone else is able to hear it, or be comfortable or available. And, even that doesn’t mean that person will always be like that – but that’s how it was just then. Cheers!

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