I Forgive Me

Maybe I’ll get a wide-screen view of my life when I die, and I’ll have the perspective of a stranger, seeing all I did and didn’t do, and perhaps it won’t be as terrible as I fear.

I know where I fucked-up, and I know where I tried to right things, and I know where I did well.

I parented a child mostly on my own, and I finally forgave myself for all that I wasn’t.  I can catalog a list of what I didn’t do to him that was done to me, and I can catalog a list of what I did, and didn’t do that could have made his life better.

Sometimes I was a real shit.  Sometimes my selfishness, and lack of perspective, or just self-righteous justifications, ruled the day.  I wish I had done better.

I forgive me because I haven’t yet.  My guilt and shame have made my life a tough place to be, and I yelled and lived so much in my anger when I was raising him, and I’m sure that caused lasting harm.

I think I made him afraid of emotions, afraid that they would always overwhelm him, so it’s better not to have them.

I forgive myself for causing his anxiety, or adding to his challenges in this unforgiving life.  While I appreciate his forgiveness, it’s most important that I stop adding more shame.  At my worst, I worry that I’m unable to change – that I wouldn’t be any better if I could do it over.  I’m grateful we need not find out.

I forgive me for not caring enough about myself, for not having a fight reaction when my flight reaction was dissociation rather than getting myself out of the situation.  I forgive myself for not being stronger, more willful.

I’ve learned how to fight – how to scratch, and kick, and tear skin – to make sure I have some DNA.  I almost welcome anyone to try to mess with me now, now that my rage is outward, and I’m no longer cowed.  I could have prevented so much harm, but I think it’s better to learn late than not at all.

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© seekingsearchingmeaning (aka Hermionejh) and Abstractly Distracted’s Blog, 2010 – current.

Author: Hermionejh

Laughter is my drug.

6 thoughts on “I Forgive Me”

  1. To have learnt at all is a blessing. It’s never too late. If I wake up one more day breathing, then that day is the ‘day I change my life’ by changing me. (wisdom learnt from my last suicide attempt in 2012 and a very compassionate girlfriend who rescued me from myself).

    1. Arman, thank you for your response. I’m so sorry your pain has been so great, and I hope you find ways to stay alive, thrive & see how it all turns out! Much love, strength, courage, and lots of humor & ability to reach out! Hang in there! xo Jerri ❤

      1. I found ways… lots of ways..and to be honest I have never before lived as joyfully or as authentically as I do now 😊 nearly ending it was the best restart to my life. I do so hope that you will forgive yourself & see the beauty in your life without quite ‘that’ drastic restart.

      2. Yes, me too! Authenticity is it! I feel better than I have in a long time, but it’s always up & down – that’s just part of the deal, but for some of us, down makes the up more dangerous. Balance, self-forgiveness, love, honesty, hope & courage – especially courage for me – is what I need to cultivate most. xo

  2. Self-forgiveness is the key to living in peace. It sounds like you are in a wonderful place, seeing truth, taking responsibility, and growing into your authentic Self. When I look back at things I did and didn’t do when my children were small, I could almost puke. But, like you, I did the best I could with what I knew and where I was. Guilt serves no purpose except to set us on the path of punishment. I’m giving up guilt and totally practicing Self-forgiveness. Warm embraces. ❤

    1. Thank you, Brenda. Although I know it, it’s heartening to hear I’m not alone, and it’s my job to forgive myself, make amends where I can, and do my best to live from my best self as often as possible! Cheers my friend. 🙂 xo

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