How small a word, how big a consequence.
It’s high summer, nearly the start of August, and I am unchanged.
The message board at a favorite pub has creative endeavors, artisans advertising their wares, therapeutic services offered from a High Priestess teaching you the true Wiccan way, to Reiki, and other esoteric healing arts, plastered over it.
My mind swirls with contradiction, dismissing, reviling, but also believing. Shame enters. I’m smarter than that, but I’m so desperate for help that anything sounds plausible.
Miracles happen, prayer sometimes works – or maybe it always works and the answer is no – or maybe it never works and yet sometimes seems to.
People describe angelic intervention, things beyond our understanding or perception. I’ve never experienced this, and I’ve asked, begged, screamed to the cosmos for help – for many years.
You can’t convince me that some god wanted my life this way. That this is what I asked for, or what’s necessary. Mental illness just is. It’s not a punishment.
A therapist described medication as a tool to get you where you can deal with your messed-up perception. So far, medication hasn’t worked for me. I’ve tried different modalities, and suicide feels like the only definitive.
But what if I’m left with the hell in my head and this is the only place I have a hope of changing it? Am I eternally screwed? Am I in limbo, or purgatory, now? Am I paying penance while I yet live? Another therapist introduced a Sufi idea that suffering here brings great honor wherever we go from here. I don’t want the honor. I’d rather live without the hell.
Not all days are like this, but enough of them are.
I also get the irony that I am sitting on a beautiful screened porch, looking out over a gentle-sloping lawn, flower-filled fields, and forest area beyond. Puffed clouds float easterly, while the Poplar trees shimmer in the breeze that also bends and waves the hay. Various bird song and cricket chirping fills my ears along with the rising wind. Heaven could hardly improve the scene.
What is wrong with me?
© seekingsearchingmeaning (aka Hermionejh) and Abstractly Distracted’s Blog, 2010 – current