As it Is

Long ago,  I was told that I asked for or created everything that has happened and will happen in my life, and although my wise mind knows that’s not quite the truth, the rest of me battles to remain alive.

I’m not sure why I’m here, or why I should stay, except for my son.  A therapist told me that if I leave, I give my son permission to leave too, and I wonder if that’s a bad thing.

This is not a kind world.  It’s a world you have to be tough in.  You have to be strong and pliable, and that’s a survival of the fittest thing.

Am I here on purpose? If so, to what purpose? Did I fulfill it already by having my child?

If I could design my life, it would look so different from what it is.

I’d live by the sea in a moderate home, leaving as small a footprint as I could while still enjoying my life.

My bucket list would be empty, or very low.

Bills would be paid without anxiety of what else would suffer, and all my medical/dental needs would be taken care of.

Life might not be a lark, but it sure would be easier.

I think of the few 1%er’s in American society, and perhaps the world, and what it must be like to not worry so much about your life – to have your needs met, even if you don’t get all your ‘wants’.

My son told me he’d be sad if I were gone, and I understand, but he’s not seen the true suckage of life yet.

A psychic that I lived with when my son was a pre-schooler told me that she was fighting entities off every night for me when I lived with her, and it was exhausting so I needed to deal with them myself.  I remember that the ceiling popped every night but I thought it was just the roof cooling off or something.  After my housemate told me I had to deal with whatever the spirits wanted from me – that I ‘owed’ them – I talked to what seemed the air one night, saying that I was sorry for whatever was happening because of me, that I wanted them – whatever – to go to the light, that I didn’t know what I owed them, and please forgive me, and whatever else I could think of, and the next night, and every night after, the ceiling never popped again.  My housemate told me that whatever I did or said, worked – that she was no longer being bothered by entities that weren’t getting through to me.

I messed up my life so much, and know I can’t recover without a bona fide miracle, but I’m still here.  I’m too afraid, yet, to take my life, but I’m hoping I’ll overcome the fear.  If something else happened that was better than that, I’d be so happy.

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© seekingsearchingmeaning (aka Hermionejh) and Abstractly Distracted’s Blog, 2010 – current

 

Author: Hermionejh

Laughter is my drug.

2 thoughts on “As it Is”

  1. I want you to know that I have been there, I am still there and I will probably remain there for the rest of my life – the ledge from where it would be so easy to step off and stop living. I have attempted suicide at least thrice. I have also been haunted by entities & warned off or helped by psychics. Two of my best friends committed suicide and most days I don’t know why I bother to get out of bed.

    However, it’s only last month that I had this strange realization that I am not quite sure that I want to end it all yet. I still wouldn’t mind dropping dead right at this minute but I do want to keep putting one feet in front of the other and just continuing on this journey that I am on. Being outwardly focused on others and helping out as I can – time, company, volunteering my skills, experience, network, rather then money, do kind of offset the feeling that my life & my existence is totally meaningless.

    I hope you will feel better soon. Hugs!!!!!

    1. Arman, though we haven’t ever actually met, we know each others’ hearts, I think, because you have reached out to me, and I to you, and for me, at least, that means so much! I see you as so beyond what I’ve ever been, and wish to accomplish what you have – on the outside looking at your outside, right?! It’s astounding that outer reality doesn’t match inner, so what is that? I think we don’t belong here, we belong to the stars, to ‘god’, to something beyond this ‘veil of tears’ I’ve read, listened to, and lived for so long. The reality is that it’s such a small amount of time we’re here, but it can truly suck and feel like eons rather than years.
      I’m grateful you had that moment of wanting to wait it out, because I dropped down lower than I’ve been in a while, and nearly did myself in – or at least attempted – and while I don’t quite jive with the ‘life is wonderful’, I’m not ready to hang it up, either! I’m here for you and I’m so grateful you’re here for me too. I remember hearing someone say that if I end my life I won’t find out how it all turns out, and I would like to stick around for that – even if I feel cheated at the end. I hope I won’t feel that way, but I really don’t have that long to wait. So much love & hugs to you, chica! ❤

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