I re-read that many suicidal people, if not most, want to end the pain, not their life. Lately I wake, usually in serious pain, and my first thought is how I can die with the least suffering for those around me. How and where to end my life, what arrangements I should make.
After moving around, or doing my PT stretches and core exercises, as well as just getting on with the day, the desire to die lessens, and I think about how to make my life more manageable and more pain-free.
Drugs definitely help the pain, but have other effects, like addiction, or severe itching, as well as other unpleasant side effects.
I don’t enjoy events, or my friends, as much as I used to. It’s not a big leap to go from here to not here anymore.
Gray days like today increase my dark mood, and I have to remember that I have a full-spectrum light-box to start using this time of year. I also turned on all the lights in the common area, so I’m not sitting in gloom.
Time-management is super tough for me. The to-do list is large, and taunts me with nothing being checked off, except, I am writing. I will make food. Laundry is being done. It wasn’t on the list, so I put it on, and cross it off. Maybe more gets accomplished than I know, and I’ve created a poor list.
The new list reads:
Get out of bed
Brush my teeth
Start household tasks
Tell myself I’m doing well.
Look at the big TO-DO list and see if there is one thing I can accomplish. Can I do it now? Remember there is nothing I can do about the past. Ask for forgiveness of self and others, and move on. Focus on what is getting done – stay there.
I understand my day’s list is some else’s ten minutes, but that someone else probably isn’t anxious and depressed. That someone manages well – has good skills. I manage damn well for where I am.
Smile – even a half-smile – like an exercise move. Stop the self-hate, and the judgement.
© seekingsearchingmeaning (aka Hermionejh) and Abstractly Distracted’s Blog, 2010 – current