At writing group tonight I listened to a friend read her piece about her birthday today and how being sixty was kind of amazing, and it made me feel like I can do this. I can get to sixty someday soon, and maybe it won’t be so bad.
She is a strong, beautiful woman, and I might not have seen that at twenty, or even thirty, but time shapes us whether we want it or not. I am not in control. No matter how much I try to determine my destiny, I am foiled by this great unknown we’re all in.
We are all in. Once in a while, some of us break out and try controlling the show, life events, or life’s trajectory, but they are quelled by others or by their own mortality. We came into the world by chance or by design, and maybe we’re supposed to cause an effect, or maybe just witness this incredible moment, because it is really only a moment – especially as I get older and see how damn fast it all goes.
I have no idea where I’m going from here, or if there’s somewhere from here, and maybe religion is right, or maybe it’s all a crock – all people just whistling in the dark – but I’ve found love, and friendship, kinship, beauty, terror, and horror, along with inexplicable help and guidance.
What I’ve found true is following my heart. I might be wrong, but whenever I’ve tried to follow someone or something else’s idea of how to navigate this world, it’s caused deeper pain than just muddling through.
I can’t believe in a punishing ‘god’. It makes no sense to me. Maybe I’ll pay for that, but I’ll take my chances. God is love, or it is nothing. I cannot be better than ‘god’. So, if there is such a thing, It loves and accepts me.
If there’s nothing, then this has been an interesting manifestation of life replicating itself. I hope I’ve left more good than bad, and if my son has a child, or children, then our line continues, and if not, then we die out with his generation. So be it.
Maybe we’ll colonize other worlds, or maybe humanity will perish with this one, but life on earth has abundant time left for whatever will happen.
And though I have no say, I’d like us to have mattered – to be the reason for existence – but that might be ego rather than reality.
© seekingsearchingmeaning (aka Hermionejh) and Abstractly Distracted’s Blog, 2010 – current