So Much Nothing

I’ve had a tough time writing lately.  Maybe depression has set in – apathy leading the way.  Nothing feels interesting or worth investing in.  I could look happy and present, but whether or not I am, it shifts quickly.

Is living for the young?  Should twenty to forty be the only important part of life?  After forty the pain began.  It has only increased since.  Different issues, more work & time to address it – the ‘free ride’ over.

The problem is the lack of appreciation for a body that feels good & functions well.  It’s inspiring when people born without limbs, or other horrific problems, live high-functioning lives.  It shames me & I’m so tired of living shame.

Even the love of my life can’t breach the gap.  It’s not his path, even if he loves me with all he has.

In my wildest imagination I am alone: succeeding, happy, fulfilled.  I’ve never seen it with someone else – just me.  Maybe that’s due to trauma – neglect & abuse – I don’t know.  I decided that no one, NO ONE, will take anything else from me.  I lived that life and I’m not able to continue helping someone else do well at my expense. I mean emotionally.  If I had billions I could give most away without issue, but I’m tired of people who want to take my soul.

That’s where I am today.  I’m sure it’ll change tomorrow.  Cheers.

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© seekingsearchingmeaning (aka Hermionejh) and Abstractly Distracted’s Blog, 2010 – current

 

Author: Hermionejh

Laughter is my drug.

4 thoughts on “So Much Nothing”

  1. Here’s to hoping that it changes. I have been bedridden for a little more than two weeks now and it’s getting to me… really bad. I am crying and picking fights with those who are closest to me. On the one hand I want them, on the other, I am pushing them away. It’s a dilemma and I can only hope that as the illness abates, so will this mood swing. I am tired of it.

    1. That sucks, Arman! I hope you’re healing & that you’re more and more how you like being and feeling. My darkness comes on so thick when I’m unbalanced – sickness makes so much more worse! Hang in there!! xo Jerri

    1. Thanks Jessie! I’m workin’ it!! lol You’re one of my favs too, and so good to see you as well, but never enough time to visit with everyone! xo

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