Picking A Fight

I’m angry at the Universe, at being here, at the way. life. is., at being human, and because I either have to kill myself, or heavily drug myself not to care, I start to take my anger out on those around me. I’m sneaky though because I’m passive aggressive, and I don’t even really know I’m in attack mode except everything starts to bother me, and acrimony is just below the surface.

I’m starting to recognize this as I start disliking my significant other, and wanting to leave, and be left alone by everyone. Only perfection would be good enough for me because my true fight is against the bully in the sky telling me how unworthy I am at every turn, and if I’d only let It micro-manage my life, then – maybe – I’ll be accepted by It and allowed into some perverse kingdom that only judgmental assholes will be going to. If I accept the son of this bully, then I get out of jail free – no matter what I’ve done or do, as long as I’m truly repentant – and, oh, btw, I have to forgive everyone no matter what they’ve done & no matter what harm their actions caused, or continue to cause.

So, yeah, I’m a little touchy today.

I just wanted to be a light in a dark world. I didn’t want to have to jump through hoops, and I never asked to be allowed in It’s shitty kingdom. Will I rend my invisible garments and gnash my non-existent teeth? Yeah, it’s a metaphor, I know, but if god doesn’t see what a shitty idea free will was, then It’s not really a god, because It would fix Its mistake, wouldn’t It? We clearly cannot rise to our noble nature, and after seeing the eons of horror – humanity’s inhumanity – and continuing to let us exist doesn’t speak of a good god, or a just god: it speaks of an impotent god. Because innocents are harmed every. day. But the convenient excuse is that It’s a mystery – as though that’s a valid answer – and that we’re born into sin, so there are no innocents. If you’re here, you’re guilty as fuck, and so whatever happens to you or your brethren is warranted and self-caused.

If I signed up for this, can I renege? Can I desert my post? Can I be destroyed – just utterly destroyed? I don’t want to exist beyond here knowing that none of it mattered, and yet it was impossible for me to detach, and it sure feels like it matters while living it.

God is no comfort to me, nor am I a comfort to god, I’m sure.

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© seekingsearchingmeaning (aka Hermionejh) and Abstractly Distracted’s Blog, 2010 – current

 

 

 

Author: Hermionejh

Laughter is my drug.

2 thoughts on “Picking A Fight”

  1. Come on, Jerri. I have been following you for years and it is hard for me to believe you actually believe there is a being in the sky who is raining down punishment on you while pouring sunshine on the “good” ones. I have heard your anger and your sense of helplessness and of being alone a lot of times and I get it. Consider this:start practicing self-forgiveness for buying into the story that you are unlovable, unwanted, and unworthy, and that you are somehow flawed. None of this is true, this is not who you are.
    YOU are a beautiful, caring, loving soul who is here for a purpose. Maybe you have forgotten why you are here (to be a light bearer) and how magnificent you are. You are not your labels, fears, thoughts, behaviors, or your story and there is no angry god who is punishing you. The universe is real, conscious,benevolent, and alive and you are part of that pulsating, loving energy. Give yourself a break and the time and silence to remember who you are,
    I care about you. You matter greatly..

    1. Thank you, Brenda. I was triggered by several events over a few days, and it just cascaded and I was able to let go some after I wrote, but I need to work through those triggers and not go as far as I go. I appreciate you reminding me of what I know, and that it’s OK to be who I am & where I am & I am loved & accepted! xo Jerri

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