Walk Away

Walking Away NEU 2009

Mental health is stopping the ruminating or trying to change my outsides to sooth my insides. I’ve been here before, I recognize that tree!

This cycle comes around every few months, when I get the bright idea to pick up spiritual texts thinking I’ll come off better for it. I clearly never have. I come out swinging every time – so maybe I’m a minion. Except, I wish ill on no one except the deserved. Who are the deserved? Rapists, child molesters, murderers, deceivers – those who knowingly take advantage of others.

Liars don’t bother me, unless it has to do with the above unforgivable acts. Murder isn’t nuanced here. Some people would consider killing in self-defense murder. I don’t. To me, murder is killing for pleasure.

Spiritual texts often say that good works without faith or belief in god are worthless. They’re not worthless to those they help. If an atheist helps me it’s worthless? How ridiculous is that?!

If that atheist helps me for their own gain, that’s unfortunate, but I still got help, so why should I care about their agenda – unless they try to hold that over me somehow.

I consciously chose to live several years ago. I knew I was on that precipice, and after I chose living, my life improved greatly once I started eating well, exercising daily, and doing what I could to quell my negative voices.

Unfortunately I’ve lost sight of that in the last few years, but I remembered again. Maybe I won’t always live my best, but if I can let go of a punishing god, I’ll do better again.

My atheist friends tell me the bible, and all spiritual works, are fairy tales meant to control the population, but I’ve remained agnostic because I fear retribution for not believing – so the control aspect has partially worked on me.

I just need to walk away from those damaging beliefs and live my best life.

Kindness, love, help, care, and concern are important to me, but so is holding people accountable for their actions. That’s why we have laws, judges, and juries. I’m not alone in that belief. But I also believe in mercy.

I wouldn’t be a judge because I’d worry that I’d be convinced to be merciful only to have the exonerated person commit the same crime again, or worse, as has happened many times.

We live in a harsh world. We follow base desires rather than adhering to our nobility. Spiritual works call us to our highest selves, but all too often we turn it into a game of whose version of god is best, and ironically condemn and kill each other over it.

For me, finding peace means keeping what works and dumping the rest – and then trusting that I’m not damned for that.




© seekingsearchingmeaning (aka Hermionejh) and Abstractly Distracted’s Blog, 2010 – current



Author: Hermionejh

Laughter is my drug.

4 thoughts on “Walk Away”

  1. Jerri, you sound like you are doing better. That is so good!!! I struggled with religion, renouncing it, then going back into it’s folds, then renouncing it, going in search of God, learning about other religions etc. For a while I identified as an athiest but now I think I am a monothist. I do believe there’s a God that created this beautiful universe, I am just not very hung up on whether God is Allah or Jesus or Brahma or Yehwah. I feel like it’s a journey, of self-discovery, of the world and it probably will go on for as long as I am alive.

    I am working my way through an interesting book right now, its called “History of God” by Karen Armstrong. Not an easy read but like I said, it’s pretty interesting 🙂

    Keep walking Jerri. Keep moving forward. xoxo arman.

    1. Thank you Arman. I get so messed up from different inputs & want peace more than anything else. It’seems up to me to allow myself that for sure!
      I read The History of God years ago & found it a good, if dry, read. I also like ‘How Good Do We Have To Be’ by Harold Kushner, I think it was. Thanks for your love & care. xo

  2. Here I go again 🙂 We damn ourselves and blame it on some god. Divine energy is not at all connected to the vengeful, punishing, judgmental man-made god who some humans think sits on a cloud up there raining down retribution. The energy that we are a part of is loving and kind, comforting, and filled with compassion.
    I encourage you to practice forgiving and loving yourself over and over and over. You are amazing. You deserve to be at peace. Hugs, Brenda

    1. Yes! I definitely want to be at peace and I do need a better outlet to work through triggers that affect that deep unworthiness in me. I have more distance now, and it’s amazing how different I feel. Thanks for your love & care. xo Jerri

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