One of my brothers was hit by a car last night. He remembers hearing screeching tires and the next thing he knew he was looking at first responders. I can’t remember if he said he was walking or riding his bike.
His collar-bone is broken, and he’s badly bruised, but alive. I called the police and they said they could release the accident report to a family member in person, but that requires driving back down to Cape Cod, and I can’t do that now. We don’t yet know if it was a hit and run, but there had to have been witnesses. It happened on the main drag, but it was after dark.
My brother sounded cheerful when I talked to him, but he’s also drugged up, so it’s hard to know how he’s really doing.
I feel this intense guilt, like I am responsible for my brother because that’s how it was when we were kids. There were six of us children, and the older two boys were pals, and my older two sisters were united against me much of the time, and my default family person was my younger brother. I wanted to be with my sisters, not my stupid younger brother.
That’s probably where the guilt I feel came from. He was the only family member who accepted me and wanted me around, but I didn’t want the same thing. We did laugh a lot together as we got older and he wasn’t such an idiot anymore, but I’ve never felt as endeared to him as he seems to feel toward me. I suppose I should feel closer to him because we are the nearest in age, and were the last kids in a violent, destructive family, but my brother also has A.D.D., maybe even Asperger’s Syndrome, and that has been difficult to deal with as well.
I suppose it’s telling that I believe I wasn’t present enough for my brother, or I somehow caused his deficits by not being a good sister, when where the hell were my parents?
I am so tired of trying to explain my weirdness to people so that they can understand me. I feel like I am a category of human being unto myself, belonging to a small group of freaks in a dark circus, only I never joined up. My membership is by default, and if I had joined, I’d either want to be the beautiful lady who rides the elephant, or one of the acrobats.
I get it that these are the ‘cards I was dealt’ – a fucking insipid metaphor if I ever heard one – and I am doing my best to learn how to cheat – believe me – because life always plays with a loaded deck.
© seekingsearchingmeaning (aka Hermionejh) and Life On Earth’s Blog, 2010 – infinity.