I bought a Christmas tree today.
I didn’t have one last year, and the holidays are usually depressing and far too filled with expectation and anxiety for me to enjoy them. I’d rather keep to myself this time of year. I don’t like holiday gatherings or Christmas parties much, and I suppose I dissociate for the month of December, and often into January. Trying to keep away from alcohol is harder this time of year too. Most of my friends drink, and none of them abuse it, so they don’t really know what it’s like for me. I’m at that place with drinking alcohol that I can either control it or enjoy it, but I can’t do both.
I am not as anxious this year as I have been previously, but I’ve been careful to not make many plans so I don’t have to pretend to enjoy myself or others. My family gets together for a holiday dinner and then we exchange gifts, and that’s pretty much all I can handle. Well, that, and having my son with me for his winter break. Christmas isn’t as fun as it used to be when he was little, but I really like having a pretty tree all lit up, and getting cozy on the couch with a cup of hot cocoa and watching, It’s A Wonderful Life, or A Christmas Carol, on Christmas Eve, and of course, how could I let Christmas go by without watching, The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, and, A Charlie Brown Christmas?
When I was in college, one of the girls in my dorm phoned her father the night, The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, was playing, and he stayed on the phone for the whole show. She told us that she had gone on vacation over Christmas during High School one year, and her father had phoned her so they could still watch the show together. That made such a big impression on me, and made me wish I had a father like that, and probably made all the girls in our dorm who were there with us that night wish that too.
Even though there are aspects of the season that I can enjoy, I’m happiest when it’s all over. My true celebration is the Winter Solstice; there is no one who appreciates the return of the light more than I do.
© seekingsearchingmeaning (aka Hermionejh) and Life On Earth’s Blog, 2010 – infinity.