Uncategorized – Abstractly Distracted

Arguments I Have In My Head

I always have the best come-backs or arguments when the other person’s not there. I get to say what I wish I said, in the way I wanted to say it – without any blow-back or hurt feelings.

Conversations I’ve had with my son in particular get re-hashed and honed, but they’re never said.

I’ve not yet started a conversation with: ‘Remember when you said to me… well, I’ve since thought about it, and here’s my refined thoughts.’ (Translation, and here’s why I’m right / have the better argument).

I’m not sure why I do that. I guess it helps me feel better, or fully heard? Slights, or shitty behavior especially have me in a mental twist when I’ve held my tongue because I’m a coward. Or maybe because it seems futile. Or they’ve demonstrated a lack of care or concern.

Yelling at the Universe is probably my most frequent tirade. Why would you allow idiot humanity to continue?, I demand of a pretend deity who never answers me, funnily enough.

I can answer back when someone is crappy to me, but I’ve already weighed the consequences of further engagement in the moment. Do I just want to be right, or to continue an empty argument? What’s my goal?

Sometimes I feel like I’ve had a profound insight, but who cares? Good for me, I can go live my life better now.

But these arguments don’t improve my life, or maybe they’re a form of closure or resolution to conversations or situations that felt unsatisfying?

I think it’s also about emotional safety. My therapist will say it’s family system work. I was a peacemaker, and a keen observer. I knew what would keep me safest, or what I thought would keep me safe.

So now maybe my job is to accept others regardless of my approval, and instead of trying to prove my worth or value after the fact, honor and respect myself, and try to be brave in the moment with others as best I can, forgiving myself for my lack.

Springing Out Of My Head

Happy Spring! I like to use Ruth Sanderson’s illustration of Spring, it says all the words without saying a thing.

http://goldenwoodstudio.com/product/spring-faerie/

It’s dichotomous for me though. More light is fantastic and renewing, and hearing familiar Spring bird calls, and seeing robins in the yard again is hopeful, but there is this other thing – maybe trauma – maybe damaged wiring, and other factors, but I get more stuck in my mental mire, and I do work at un-sticking myself. It’s why I’m still here, and I know that it would hurt several people who are dear to me and I to them, so I keep trying, but that entity, because it’s more than a voice or mere thought, wants me dead.

It tells me how screwed-up I am, what a worthless soul taking up better people’s air and space. It whispers me awake when I’m most vulnerable, and haunts me throughout my days – but I stand with fists up and tell it to STOP – that it’s lying, that it’s spouting only half-truths, that I have value.

An old friend telling me that she doesn’t struggle, she has challenges, after I told her I was struggling was like a slap in the face. Wow, way to put yourself above me and make me feel worse in one small statement. Sure, I’m challenged too.

Struggle is noble. Struggle is the human condition, and we cheer for those overcoming struggle because we know what a fucking daunting task it can be. But, if challenge sounds more refined, we’ll go with that.

I called because I’m extremely challenged and need a friend. Can you spare a few minutes?

Luckily, my anger has been my friend all along. It may be misplaced at times, but it fights for me, and I think it has kept me in this world when I can’t access the love of true friends or family.

Spring is the season of anger I learned from an acupuncturist I once went to. All that energy is needed to push through hard ground and weather swings this time of year – an apt metaphor any time of year!

Music, Sweet Music

My band recently broke up, and sad as that is, my significant other and I put an ad on Craigslist for another.

We’ve had all kinds of inquires, which is encouraging, but most are for heavy metal players (even though we stated classic rock, some country, and some modern tunes in our ad), and others too far away for our wants.

It’s hard to keep a band going, we’ve found. Even when the players all know each other, and like the same music, life intervenes in a myriad of ways.

Drug and alcohol abuse probably break up more bands than anything else, but even that doesn’t break up every band.

Being able to show up and make it through a gig is paramount for me. Making practice is another biggie. Some folks can practice on their own and just show up and play through fine, but I like the rapport with band mates, and getting to know each other.

We become a family of sorts, and the camaraderie and fun adds to the audience’s enjoyment. If we’re having fun, they’re having fun. If we screw up and laugh it off, it gives our audience permission to laugh it off.

It’s hard to laugh off a band member messing up song after song or being too drunk or high to play.

We’re hoping to avoid that this time. Wish us luck!

These January Days

Silent, cold, and dark.

Drifting along the murky river –

Too deep to touch without submerging

Too swift to leave the flow.

Settle in and try to let go.

It’s just a dream

So why am I weeping?

Feeding Fields

A thin coat of snow lines the back field’s tractor tire ruts this morning. I look out on my world of deep browns, tans, greys, and now, streaks of white. Some green remains – the evergreens, the rhododendron leaves (now curled and limp), and some spots of grass on the neighboring lawn – the last brave stalwarts in this dark season.

A herd of deer comes out from the wooded lot down back to graze on whatever they can find, but the snow is not deep yet, and there’s still food for them, though I see them growing thinner.

There was a family of four this season, a doe with three fawns! It’s hard to imagine that creature bearing three young and surviving.

Later in the year, a fourth fawn joined them, that the annoyed mother kept shooing away from her own. The young one was persistent though. It would move away, then return, move away, then return. After several weeks the mother finally accepted the new charge – every once in a while butting at the outsider, perhaps reminding it that it wasn’t part of the family.

Another family of two would come into the yard, keeping their distance from the rest, but when the neighbor’s crab apple tree loosed its fruit there was a tussle for ownership of the treats on several occasions.

Most of the time it was just that family of three, and their interloper.

I’d walk down back to dump compost, or tend the garden, and they’d stare at me in their pricked-up eared, statuesque posture, until they decided I wasn’t a threat.

I’d talk to the mama across the field. “It’s ok, mama. I’m not gonna hurt you or the kids. You’re safe with me.”

I’m glad our land is a sanctuary. We’re too close to other houses for hunters, and I don’t think they can hunt when the fawns are young, though I know that doesn’t always stop them.

Vehicles are the deers’ biggest threat outside of disease, the increase in the deer-tick population, or bigger predators, and I know the herd must be culled to keep them healthy, but I’d miss them if they were gone.

Their presence is a testament to life, to the enduring cycles of birth and death somehow bringing me peace – but I doubt I provide the same reassurance that life persists for them.

Somebody That I Used To Know

A young woman was hit by a vehicle and died on the local highway a few nights ago. I knew her, but last saw her about a decade ago.

She was a feisty, smart girl who I met through an after-school program for those with low-incomes, and many came from abusive families.

She was no exception and an ex-friend of mine took her in as a foster child to help her escape from physical and sexual abuse.

She was 8, and her abuse began earlier.

The husband of my ex-friend began abusing her within a few months of her getting refuge at their house and is something I will never forgive.

I’m no longer friends with his wife because she chose him over the girl – effectively letting her know that she didn’t matter, and what happened to her was sad, but not enough to leave the abusive asshole.

I don’t know why that girl/young woman got out of the car she was traveling in on the highway and go into the travel lane trying to flag down a vehicle.

Was she high? Was she in a fight with the driver?

What I do know is that she was a trauma survivor with high-risk behavior. I understand the pattern too well.

I can be glad for her that it’s over. She doesn’t have to be here anymore – her life a string of suffering and self-loathing, because it was already clear she wasn’t ‘pulling herself up by those (non-existent) boot straps’. Those meant to protect her failed, and those she met who said they wanted to help her only endangered her further.

I am sorry, Nyka. I’m sorry you didn’t get what you needed. I hope you’re in peace if there’s an afterlife.

Little Boy Blues

Oh little boy! I heard your sweet voice again. It went through me like a bolt to my heart – hearing you again when you were five – maybe – or six? Your innocence and the confidence you had in me was so assuring, when really I was in such deep pain so often.

The times I wasn’t were spent exploring, playing, laughing, reading, learning, painting, walking, singing, and talking with you.

Oh you loved to talk – and sing. When you were playing with your toys you’d sing to accompany your play, and why I never recorded it I’ll never know because nearly everyone’s child is time-stamped forever these days.

Your young life is mostly in my memory, with a recorded voice here and there, or a birthday party on video.

I wish I had what I needed then. I wish I were the parent you deserved instead of the parent you got – even though I tried my best.

Maybe every parent fails. Maybe we fall short of our ideals, but I screamed at stupid, stupid shit. I was a fucking harpy who should have had her voice removed as punishment.

Now that my services are no longer required (or needed), our relationship is better. I don’t fly off the handle like I used to – I don’t take my hell out on you.

I never beat you, and I did my best to not demean, but my yelling was a form of demeaning – the accusatory tone of spilled drinks on new clothing – as though it was done on purpose. Can you forgive me for the horror I was, for making you feel small and stupid? I told you it was me not you, but did you understand that? It’s doubtful. You saw what I was, not what I said.

I’m so sorry. I know apology is kind of useless, but it’s all I have. I can’t fly through time and change, but I would if I could.

I did and do love you with all my heart, but I was broken, and had no business trying to raise you. I did better than what was done to me, but not good enough.

You were a beautiful, perfect child. You brought joy where there was so little, and my job was to honor and protect you, and give you skills to navigate the larger world.

I understand and accept if you cannot forgive me, but I ask you to anyway. I hope you can remember the love and goodness there was.

You deserved better, but you are amazing, strong, beautiful, and lovely in spite of my lack. You are smart, open, inquisitive, active, and interested in life, and I’m so grateful you are resilient.

Reading books, and rubbing your back, and singing you to sleep was our nighttime sanctuary, and it was time well-spent – a better job at parenting.

I provided necessities and structure too, and gave you choices, and did what I could to foster your autonomy – but my horrifying yelling and screaming muscles into all that was good, muddying and distorting any calm.

Please forgive me.

Or don’t.

Just please know I’m profoundly sorry for the pain I caused, and I loved you with all I had to give.

Mom

Fool Me Once

shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

It’s unfortunate that the United States is too fractured to carry out a General Strike. Those on the right, the left, and in between would be the most powerful group in our country were it not for the constant fighting and name calling.

We have different views, and desires, but overarching all of us is a small group of men and women who encourage our division, and do their utmost to keep us from seeing our commonalities. If we remain fighting over particulars, we miss the big picture. We miss seeing our common resources being used without our permission, or otherwise squandered for cash. Some think regulations are governmental overstepping: let capitalism work! The markets right themselves. Well, this isn’t about markets. It’s about our land, our air, our water.

If there’s to be fewer regulations, let’s make sure they favor life, and a decent quality of life. Government does some things well, and getting the profit out of things that serve us in common improves our lives. We shouldn’t have to worry about the air we breathe, the water we drink, or the land we live on for a small faction’s profits!

There are some commodities that power our machines or keep industry running, but the regulations around that usage are to help, even if they hurt those industry’s profits.

You don’t want your hard-earned dollars to help those lazy people! How about a system where the industries that are harming us chip in so we can have better healthcare rather than sending their profits through loopholes that favors industry, not humanity?

We live in a society, and those lazy grifters as you might like to think of them also work, but often work at poverty wages, as you might also, so your fear of loss is understandable. If you’re just uncompassionate toward those with less, that’s sad, but understandable when you work so hard for the little you have, and are still one medical disaster away from bankruptcy.

Back to the powers over us – unless you inhabit that vaunted 1% or maybe even 5%, and then maybe you could help instead of continuing to take the 11 cookies off the American plate and then pointing to the last one while telling the poor sucker nearest you that the rest of us poor suckers wants the only cookie left – those powers know that all we have to do is stop playing the game – and it would take a year or two?, but soon enough their profits would collapse.

We have to have demands – like a livable wage, and our land, water, and air resources and uses being in a public trust that cannot be dismantled by any administrations.

I’m just dreaming, but there are solutions for a more just society, for a more perfect union, but hate and division is like winning the lottery to our brains. All those surging brain chemicals make us feel good, or at least powerful, so we’ll keep choosing them as an easy fix, or at least until high blood pressure and other stress diseases overtake us.

Progress happens one funeral at a time, but when the most powerful and wealthy teach their children or apprentices the ways of greed and grift, it looks like an unending circle of fuckery we’ll continuously fight unless we can overcome our personal issues and team up to fight our oppressors.

A nice illustration of the death of bullies leading to a kinder generation is in this article about a baboon troop:

Dreamed A Dream

The numbers were coming in for voting and the Democrats were winning big. We were going to be okay. There would be a lot of damage to undo or repair, but we weren’t succumbing to dictatorship. The worst elements among us were shown the door. You want a theocracy? Why don’t you move to Saudi Arabia, or any of the desert nations that control their populations under the only version of belief allowed. What if your religion is banned? You think dictators have it right? Move to your beloved Russia where they routinely kill, poison, or maim those who disagree with the party line. What if YOU were against their policies and practices? Better get a food taster, or keep your opinions to yourself…

We can co-exist, and it will be an uneasy alliance, but it will work because while we don’t all get all of what we want, we will get most of what we need. We will shore up our Constitution, and follow it. We can be a better version of Democracy, or we can vanish with something you will not want in its place, but it will be too late to do anything about it then, so I hope it’s to your liking – and that you’ll remember you did it to yourself. To those of good will: Vote Democrats, all the way!

Season’s Greetings

Autumn has come. Not on the calendar. You won’t find it there with as general as our Pope Gregory’s, or Gregorian, calendar is.

I feel it though. I woke to a cold, crisp morning, drier air, no twittering birds building or protecting their nests and territory. They’ve begun their winter duties, saving their energy for long flights ahead, or hunkering down where they’ll winter over.

I’m both dismayed by and glad for the change – life is always a mixed bag – something I’ve never been good at adjusting to. I must do it well enough though because I’m still here. Adapt or die.

My mother told me about some book she was reading about biology, and our place in life, and once we’re done with our child-bearing years, life has no use for us. We’re an unwelcome party guest, staying too long and boring everyone.

But that’s just biology. Humans, and many other species, offer so much beyond biology, which is probably why we kick around much longer than our hormones signal. We can produce enzymes to quell those hormones, but we have to work for it. 45 minutes of sustained, heart-beat raising, exercise a day makes anti-breakdown enzymes drip for 24 hours. A pretty good deal! Joyful living boosts those ‘I want to live’ enzymes too.

And here I am in another passing season, and I can’t escape getting older, but I can slow its progress. I can look forward to autumn colors, and nights by the fireside. I can plan next year’s garden, and I can laugh at myself for taking it all so seriously.

Who Are We?

Citizens.

Fourth of July parades, honoring those fighting, allegedly keeping America ‘safe’, or trying to topple the powerful of other nations committing atrocities.

At least we always said they were atrocities.

Now we’re doing it, and the administration wants it to be as heinous as possible so we’ll capitulate to their demands, and to satisfy their base.

What kind of people their base must be if that satisfies them? They’re a cabal of bullies, and America thinks that’s a good fit for us?

Is it?

Nursing mothers having their babies taken from them. That makes you glad? That makes you proud? That makes you think America is strong, and won’t be fucked with?

This is no country our ancestors would recognize. We had the idea that we would be the ‘shining city on the hill’. We would stand for goodness, compassion, fairness, negotiating, inclusion – help!

We all came from elsewhere, and now we’re all: “I’ve got mine, too bad for you.”

We can do better. Our immigration policy can evolve. Hint, it won’t be a wall. Ever hear of tunnels? Air travel? A wall is symbolic, and in history, walls have never stood for justice.

Dictators, autocrats, heinous deeds done in our name, are not inevitable. They’re allowed through apathy, disengagement, and complicity.

Ben Franklin retorted: “A republic, if you can keep it”, when asked what the founders had wrought after our bitterly hard-fought sovereignty and our Constitution’s creation.

We are always negotiating who we are, what we stand for, and how we wish the world to see us.

That light we carried – that hope we offered – is nearly out.

It’s up to us citizens to keep our Republic, to shore up our ideals, and to pull the reins on the powerful factions ever trying to re-make us in their own image.

We were never perfect, and we’re never going to be perfect, but we’ve had a pretty great template for a relatively balanced society and country.

Oppressing people works for a while, but we eventually rise up when the burden becomes too onerous. I think we’re at that time, and I hope America puts down this latest attempt to change our fundamental ideals.

Only those who want to take your power tell you voting doesn’t matter.

Don’t let them, and if you’re too cynical to believe that, then don’t make it easy for them.

Change The Policy! End Family Separation!

Inch By Inch, Row By Row

I’m gonna make this garden grow. All it takes is a rake, and a hoe, and a piece of fertile ground. Inch by inch, row by row, someone bless these seeds I sow, someone warm them from below ’til the rain comes tumblin’ down…

Gardening is a life lesson. The whole kit and caboodle right there – from pulling those weeds, digging up those rocks, to preparing the soil – and, finally, planting the seeds.

And it’s never done until harvest time. There are weeds to pull, bugs to fight off, and tender care all summer long. Even after harvest it’s wise to clean up the garden, and maybe sow winter rye or something that will keep the soil in place over autumn into late fall.

Winter is the time to plan, and wait, but Spring comes upon us often fast and furious. The cacophony of insects, birds, animals, and mammals all jockeying for space to nest and begin the next generation to carry on.

Sometimes all the love and care in the world doesn’t keep blight away, or relieve stunted growth. Sometimes the weather is bad for weeks on end, and all you can do is start over, if there’s enough time left in the season, or hope next year will be better.

What is more hopeful than a seed, and a garden?

Fleeting

Another aunt, my Godmother, Aunt Francis, died on May 22nd. I called that morning to see if I could bring my mother for a visit that weekend, and her daughter told me she had just passed away.

I knew my aunts dying would be tough. I thought it would feel unbearable. I didn’t expect emotional silence.

Am I inured to death now? It’s where we’re all going, so I guess it’s the age-old question of why we’re even here.

Those of us who’ve rejected religion’s narrative determine our own meaning of life, and decide our ethics and morality through consequence.

I try not to hurt others because I know what it’s like to be hurt. I appreciate love, goodness, helpfulness, compassion, decency, respect, and a live-and-let-live approach as long as they’re not harming me or someone else – without their permission.

I see what hate, unkindness, disrespect, and unethical behavior bring, and do what I can to act from my best self.

Maybe Aunt Fran retains some consciousness, some sentience, outside of her body – and if so, I hope she’s with family who went before her.

Maybe it’s all a computer simulation as Elon Musk, and others, believe.

I know that life hurts – a lot. I also know there’s joy, gladness, goodness, etc., but the continued suck-ass elements of life overshadow life’s ease.

I’m sad about my Aunt Fran’s passing. I love her. I enjoyed her energy, her personality, her presence. I’m grateful she lived. She really lived – she didn’t merely exist. She was beautiful, humorful, and created beauty, order, and children, whom she got grandchildren from. She had many friends, and belonged to a community who mourn her passing.

You’d think I’d be used to a world where loss is as great as gain, if not greater, but it’s still wounding.

I used to think humans were unique that way, but we’re not. Apes, elephants, dolphins, whales, and many other species also grieve, and care about their communities.

We’re just along for the ride, however long it lasts, and I suppose it’s up to us to make it a worthy journey.

How Lucky We Are

Near misses are ubiquitous. I nearly died twice, that I’m aware of – those really close calls. When I was 19 I felt the breeze of a motorcycle as I almost stepped into its speeding path crossing a busy street, but my sister pulled me back from disaster. The motorcyclist stopped and, visibly shaken, asked if I was alright. I had no idea what had nearly happened – only that I felt a slight breeze and didn’t understand why my sister tugged on me. It was only reflecting later that I had a stomach drop realizing I narrowly missed disaster, if not death.

That same summer I toppled over while attempting a yoga pose that I thought I should be advanced enough to do, hearing a couple of crunches in my neck as I landed. I stayed there nearly an hour before my sister got home, fearing a broken neck. Luckily, but also unluckily, I didn’t break my neck, but I did damage two discs, which caused great intermittent pain ever since, but I finally had surgery a few years ago when my spinal column had become so thin that I was in danger of paralysis.

I waited ten years, hoping that advances in surgery would make a complicated and dangerous surgery less complicated and dangerous, but achieved the opposite. Replacement discs were available once I finally had surgery, but my neck was so bad I was no longer a candidate for them…

I lost two major nerves from my neck due to that surgery, but not because of surgeon negligence. He was an amazing surgeon who did a fantastic job with a super delicate surgery. It took nearly a year before I had any use of my arm, which dangled from its socket, causing a frozen shoulder, and considerable pain, as well as years of physical therapy which I am still doing. I am chronically weak in my left arm, but I can move it now, and went from only able to lift 3 lbs to now lifting 8 lbs, while my right arm can press 30 lbs.

It took EMS, or electro-magnetic stimulation, to fire the muscle fibers in my atrophied arm while the nerves grew back. It felt like a gang of bees stinging me, but I gained muscle back.

My one criticism of the surgery was after-care. I found out about EMS on my own, not from the surgical department. I also found a neurological chiropractor trying an experimental therapy which greatly improved my progress, but I found out about that from a spiritual healer, not my regular chiropractor, or other medical practitioners.

I also found out about Tong Ren from my spiritual healer friend, which also helped, but not as much as the mirroring technique from the neurological chiropractor. He told me I lost valuable healing time because it was over two months before learning about EMS, time which the EMS could have been most beneficial. The neurological chiropractor directed me to experimental mirroring, where I would stand with my left shoulder against and somewhat behind a free-standing mirror so that when I looked in the mirror, my brain registered my right arm as my left arm.

I could feel my left arm responding to the exercises I was doing with my right arm, which was pretty cool, but because the nerves were renewing, I still couldn’t move my arm on its own.

Losing motion in my arm gave me great respect for my neurological system and the billions of motions we accomplish from thought to nerve firing. We are truly fantastic machines.

But we are also fragile machines. We are so easily wiped out, either by disease, by congenital disorders, by accident, or by life’s hostilities, such as animal attacks and poisoning, natural disasters, or ourselves, and other humans.

Especially ourselves and other humans. How many times have any of us driven, or been riding in a vehicle, and come a millisecond, or a mere inch from disaster? We all know of those not so lucky, or are perhaps among those not so lucky, but survived.

I think this post is about gratitude for how long I’ve endured, and acknowledgement of how amazing it is any of us make it out of childhood or young adulthood – before our frontal lobes are fully developed – and even after we’re fully connected in our brains and still do stupid things that we barely escape serious or life-ending consequences for.

Life-ing is hard. Be good to yourself – and others (as much as possible).

Highly Recommended

I’m so grateful I found out that, Cannabidiol, or CBD, moderates panic from ingesting or smoking pot. I don’t need or use much, but it has been helping my pain, and some of my anxiety.

I use the Endoca whipped body butter for acute pain, and I have CBD drops to take every day to keep CBD in my system. CBD works as an anti-inflammatory, and the people I’ve shared it with are amazed at how good it is for general soreness, and how my mother, and my partner’s mother, have gotten excellent relief from arthritis in their hands.

I don’t like the taste of the CBD oil, so I mix it with honey. There are other companies selling CBD suspended in coconut oil, and many forms that you can explore on the web, from crystals that you can vape, to suppositories that work especially well on lower back pain.

It’s a new world for pain relief, and I’m so glad there are several reputable companies making certified products.

The rub is the cost. It can be pricey, and if you’re skint like me, it makes regular use difficult, if not impossible, which is why I’m endeavoring to make my own.

Many sites tell you how to make your own, and it’s an involved process of cooking down a lot of cannabis to extract CBD, but time I have, at the moment.

While it is 4 20 day (more for celebrating the psychoactive component of the cannabis plant, or, THC), the non-psychoactive, CBD, is proving as valuable as getting high.

Write Now

I have the writer’s nemesis: writer’s block. It’s why I have several half-finished stories.

This is a big part of my shame, the parts of me I wish I could surgically remove and join the doer world.

Books, articles, videos, podcasts, psychiatrists have been consulted – and I still procrastinate.

The controlling editor in my head won’t let me write a sentence in peace – there’s no ‘getting it out and edit later’ for me.

But writing calls to me anyway.

Writing is this beautiful, unhampered soul just waiting for me to get over myself and create. Why does that terrify me?

It’s a rhetorical question. I know the answer, or at least I’ve been given several explanations from the above list of resources – especially the psych docs.

Information is power, sure, and I’m writing now because this is a chunk. This isn’t fraught like finishing a story is.

It’s important that I write – even if it’s never published – even if no one likes it.

I’m writing because it’s what I must do. I just know, or believe, I can be and do better.

Living up to my potential is what life’s waiting for me to do, and I’m only a chronic disappointment to myself, and probably my mother, and possibly my family and everyone who knows me.

Except that’s part of the big lie the boogeyman in my head blocks me with. I give my energy, witting or unwitting, to fear. The unwitting I can do nothing about, but the part of me that knows has to step in and, gently (for me anyway), take pen in hand – or keyboard – and begin.

Maybe I’ll be found a failure and a fraud, but how can I fail any worse than I already have by never following through?

And That’s How It Is

I’ve been so stuck in the past – as though it’s vital I get back there, as though that’s the only part of my life that mattered, as though now is a wasteland unworthy of notice when it is actually rich, and actually all there is. The past is gone – just like Steven Tyler sang in Dream On

all those years ago when, ironically, he was just becoming an adult.

I think the pain makes me feel alive, the longing gives me a sense of purpose, like: ‘Don’t forget how things were!’ – but it’s a lot of revisionist history because so much of my early life sucked-ass.

I was battling panic disorder, undiagnosed major depression, and PTSD – before PTSD was a word, and then only by soldiers who had witnessed untold horrors qualified.

Well, sorry, but trauma is trauma & fucks you up for life. Trauma literally changes your brain. My brain is different from non-traumatized brains, so stop telling me to have a better attitude! It doesn’t work like that! (“That’s not how this works! That’s not how any of this works!“)

It’s also accepting, or trying to accept, that my beautiful boy, the light of my life, has grown up and not only doesn’t need or want my counsel, or my – anything – but he’s a man, and wants to be seen as he sees himself. I cannot divorce my connection to him as my boy, so therein lies the rub. So, that’s present pain.

I’m older. That’s present pain. There’s nothing I can do about it. That’s present pain. I’m lonely for connection more than just my significant other. That’s present pain. I can’t seem to hold a job. That’s present pain. My family is dying off. That’s past and present pain. I miss old connections. That’s past and present pain.

We’re living in bizarro world with dangerous politics and a megalomaniac president. That’s present pain, panic, anxiety, and PTSD!

Those are my fears writ large. The President is basically Michael Rapunzel, the head of the commune/cult, and the President’s sycophants, like Rapunzel’s, can’t see his horror, or they revel in their chance at power and gain riding on his coat tails.

I’ve been down this road and now I’m living through it again. It’s harder because I know the outcome. It’s all about oppression and control, not co-operation or decentralization of power. The President, like Rapunzel, is mentally ill, and no one is stopping him.

I can look at the present pain in my life and do what I can to minimize it. I know it’s also a flux issue. My feelings, needs, and desires change – sometimes on a daily basis – but there are times I’m truly joyful instead of longing for it.

There are days I’m connected to life and loneliness vanishes.

There are times my son calls or texts and I feel better for our connection rather than inadequate or stupid.

I’ve even been kind and accepting of my aging at times instead of railing against it – but anything I’ve ever let go of has claw-marks all over it.

And string hanging off those claws.

And glue holding the string on.

And then duct tape when the glue starts to peel…

April Is The Cruelest Month

T. S. Eliot’s line in, The Waste Land, speaks of April’s cruelty in uncovering what was covered and dampened by winter’s snow.

I think of it opposite – that April hems and haws its way into May – delivering warmth and budding growth, only to snatch it away in frosts and freezes.

Warmer weather and longer light modifies my depression, but April fools me the whole month.

I know April’s not to blame. I understand depression is a brain malfunction rather than a seasonal disorder, but Cabin Fever is practically literal for me – seeing as I live in a cabin.

I have been walking and getting out as much as I can, but the cold is enervating, depleting, and I need energizing.

I tried, Ketamine, a controlled substance & experimental depression drug under my doctor’s care, and it was another failure – a temporary, dissociative, relief from my depression with other untenable side effects. She said we’re using desperation measures now, and while some might really enjoy being altered that way, dissociation is not a good substitute for dopamine.

Sunshine, exercise, eating well, and decent rest are all helpful, but not helpful enough.

It’s also weird how February used to be my most dangerous month, then it expanded into March, and has now creeped into April. I don’t understand why that is. I used to assume February must be when some of my worst trauma happened, but now I think it’s some other mechanism. Maybe my aging brain is making less and less dopamine?

New drugs and treatments come on the market all the time, and I hope to try another round of Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation by Brainsway instead of Neurostar. The Brainsway machine provides a slightly deeper brain stimulation that has shown statistical insignificance to Neurostar, but my sensitivity might respond better to that type of stimulation.

http://brainstimulationclinic.squarespace.com/magnetic-stim/

I can only hope…

Deplete

The Bullshit of Aging

Thinner skin, and that’s not a metaphor. Droopy, collagen-lacking, dull skin. Eyes receding into my skull as the muscles grow lax. The free ride was over a decade or more ago, but I didn’t do all the work necessary to keep up appearances (I also didn’t & don’t have the money for restoration).

Even if I did have the money for body reconstruction, who knows how I’d end up looking. Is a circus-freak look better than looking old? For some, that’s a resounding yes, for others, there’s no going back once you head down that rabbit hole no matter the regret.

What am I chasing? Eternal youth? No, just the appearance. Relevance, inclusion, and respect are my aims – and self needs to go in front of those words. Why do I feel less worthy of notice? Advertising and youth culture are certainly a part of that, but loss is the main theme, along with fear.

My nemesis.

I can’t hear you, or see you as well as I used to, and my joints make exercise slower going, but I’m still doing it. Use it or lose it isn’t some far away mantra anymore.

We are pure biology – and maybe there’s a spirit or soul that animates us and gives us individuality – but there’s no stopping the facts of life. Once the baby-making years are over, and menopause is in full swing, libido nose-dives, vaginal skin thins and makes sex painful. The good news is that the E-String & Estrace work wonders for that. The bad news is increased cancer risk. Aye yi yi.

I finally have a good man with a great bod who loves me & sex won’t lead to kids, and my desire is more for reading a good book by a warm fire no matter how much I psyche myself up. Sex is rumored to be 99% mental – the fuck you say! Nope, it’s biological. Of course mood & circumstances come in to play, but when you are right there, doing all you can to feel sexy & have a willing partner who’s totally sexified, and your bod says, ‘meh’ – that’s just bullshit.

I guess there’s Viagra for women now, but the fact we need these pills and potions to fight nature’s course just sucks. We face death by a thousand cuts long before we succumb to whatever it is that’s going to get us.

I will NOT go gentle into that good night, and I will rage, rage, against the dying of the light.

You & I, Dylan Thomas, you & I.

I See Her

She’s so open to the world. She likes learning, and believes all that’s told her – she has no reason to doubt yet. She doesn’t know people manipulate and lie to get what they want, and she’s learning how to navigate the anger and family dysfunction around her.

Her sisters were everything to her, but it didn’t work the other way. Her oldest sister was kinder, and seemed so worldly. But that’s the way it is for younger siblings. The older ones seem wise and wonderful, even if they’re also often unkind.

She is always seeking. She looked for god and found only more questions, not the promised answers. She had to let it go so she could live.

Her life moved on, the pace quickening with each year. A son helped her grow & mature into a woman and mother, but the challenges mounted with little respite.

Time wore on, her son now a man off on his own, leaving her floundering for several years seeking stability and balance, and finally realizing nothing’s a permanent state but ongoing negotiations – or at least that’s how it is for her.

A room full of unanswered questions, and unrealized hopes & dreams stands open for cleaning and sorting, but where to begin?

question sign — https://www.flickr.com/photos/colinkinner/2200500024/

Was it Mary Poppins who said that’s it’s always best to start at the beginning? Perhaps I just needed her to say that.

Waning Days of January

It began around January 23rd, and probably before then – building up – but that’s when I noticed the pall overhead and me trying to duck it, unsuccessful again. It begins with dread – or not dread exactly – but disturbance. Something is looming, something I try to stay ahead of, but am swallowed anyway.

I offer up all the positive messages I can. I acknowledge, ignore, accept, and end up pleading for its end.

Imagine a usual route you take, maybe some minor annoyances with traffic, or people, or maybe potholes, or other manageable blips on the way – and then you sense something when you get in your car one morning. There’s no reason – nothing seems different. The weather is good, the drive starts fine, and you chide yourself for misgivings about potential something ahead. A dog runs into the road and you avoid hitting it, and feel relieved. OK, that was it, that was the curve-ball that day, but your heightened awareness doesn’t ease.

You continue your routine, accepting the foreboding, or whatever it is you can’t shake, and then a tire blows, and you navigate your car to the side of the road. Vehicles pass by as you make calls to work, to a tow company, and you think that this was what your gut was warning you about.

Days pass, and the sensation dulls a bit, but doesn’t leave. It’s gnawing – like a toothache you hope will resolve on its own.

These days are leading to the precipice, but I’ve been triaging the whole time. It’s as though a separate entity is controlling my brain – or something beyond my control.

I know that’s not the case, I’m not possessed, I just can’t change the direction. I have to buckle up and hope I ride this out better than last year – better than all the years, probably since I was born, or whatever traumatic event(s) my psyche re-lives every. fucking. year.

Therapy: check. Antidepressants: no go TMS: check, but insurance won’t cover another round, and I can’t afford it out-of-pocket. Wise Mind Group: check. I’m starting a 13-week group today, and I’ve done this before, and do use cognitive behavioral techniques, but trauma is like trying to catch a greased, wild, pig. Even if you catch it, the pig isn’t domesticated.

The pig is autonomous though. Maybe the pig doesn’t think it’s self-determined – it probably doesn’t consider ‘self’ at all – but it knows enough to not want to be caught, and is frightened and raged at the trying.

February looms, but spring will emerge. That’s hope. The world still turns.

Several Things At Once

It’s one of those nights. I’m both grateful for and disheartened by a good memory. It’s good that I can step back in time and ‘be’ there – kind of like a time traveler – only backwards. It’s not eidetic memory, but fairly close.

So what do the brain ‘experts’ have to say about that? Every memory we have is apparently ‘shadowed’ or ‘colored’ by our remembering. So, are memories reliable? Hellz yes! Just because we experience those memories with nuance, doesn’t mean they aren’t reliable.

For instance, when I was beaten when learning to tie my shoes, I can see it with my current perspective, so that memory goes back in its slot with the new information attached, but the memory is still true.

My struggle understanding life’s meaning, purpose, or existence, makes life tougher to endure. I don’t have certitude, and I deeply distrust those who do. They’re often the ones with the most skeletons in their closets.

Everything changes. People are fallible, situations change, and then change again. ‘The only constant is change,’ declared Heraclitus.

Do we merely exist because biology, or are we somehow ‘higher’ beings? Those who take literally the words that humans allegedly wrote a thousand years ago, or worse, attribute to others as truth, are terrifying. They wreak more havoc than non believers.

I appreciate the scientific method, but I try not to deify science, either, because science isn’t perfect, and we’re always uncovering new or different information or interpretations.

Being kind is important to me. I strive for integrity and honor in my words and deeds, but I still act from fear.

I’m angry and petty and controlling, and work toward being less so, or cultivating the better aspects of my nature, but it’s a constant striving.

Thankfully I embrace fun, joy, laughter, and adventure too – and the best I can hope and aim for is balance in my life.

Whatever I meet upon death, if there is anything beyond this world, I will deal with then. After all, we’re directed by spiritually enlightened beings to live in the now, to follow the middle way, and to know that the future does not exist.

I wish for peace to all those of good will.

Possessed

Day broke with a deep frost across the land yesterday: the first volley of winter. Nature appeared to hold its breath – nothing stirred – the air itself seemed under a sorcerer’s spell.

The heaviness must have seeped into me, the entire day spent fighting the pall, trying everything I could to reclaim myself.

It wasn’t until late afternoon that I realized it was depression. I had picked up every tool in my box to no avail. Redirecting my thoughts didn’t do anything, nor did changing my environment, reading a book, watching a comedy, pinching myself to stop the thoughts (there weren’t really any thoughts except trying to feel different), and acceptance. Even acceptance and cognitive skills did nothing to ease my condition.

I thought sex would at least release endorphins, and if they did, my S.O. got them all. I enjoyed the physical feelings, but it didn’t end the possession.

I finally fell asleep sometime after 3, the alarm jolting me awake at 7 this morning. I hit snooze and got up a half-hour later, dragging myself to the kitchen to make coffee.

Waking up more fully, I realized the spell had broken. I feel fine today.

You’d have sworn some terrible tragedy befell me. You’d have wondered if I’d just come back from my best friend’s, or my child’s, funeral.

You’d think me callous and unfeeling to see today’s change.

Into November

This is my tough time of year. I notice my melancholy in October – the end of summer transition – and I do what I can to mitigate it. I have a light-box that provides full-spectrum light, and I’ve busied myself with Halloween decorations, & attending a party, but I missed my son and the Halloween fun we shared when he was little.

I made the mistake of telling him, hoping for some connection or commiseration – I know, I know – am I stupid, or high?, and he was not nostalgic. I think it freaks him out that he was ever a little kid, and that I remember it all. It makes no difference that he’s getting older, he’ll always have the child perspective, and I’ll always be the weird has-been parent. I should have shared my longing with a friend, or a therapist…

So, I binged on Halloween candy, sugar-coating my feelings, and started pulling out my cold weather clothes which I’ll wash & put in the bureau after putting away the Halloween decor.

It will take some getting used to the brown and greying landscape again, and my mood will shift when the cloud-blanketed sky moves on & the sun illuminates the last golden leaves clinging to branches, or providing shadow-play through the woods and surrounding hillside.

Sauteing onions and garlic for the chicken soup creates more warmth and delicious aroma, heightened when coming in from the cold, and satisfying my hunger – unlike the sugary snacks that take more than they give.

Writing helps too. Getting out the essence of my longing – parsing my underlying fear of irrelevance, of aging, and of my existential loneliness.

Remembering that youth’s bounty was mostly a more flexible body because my life was dogged by my dark story and my clinical depression. Having more energy & vitality was nice, but I mostly just existed, and it’s only now, with better perspective, and some relief of my depression and anxiety through TMS, that I’ve been living more than existing.

Aging is payment for life on Earth – and regardless of relative time scales – everything decays, and nothing stays the same, no matter my, or anyone else’s, wishes.

Acceptance is about the only choice I have if I’d like some peace, but until acceptance and approval get untangled for me, life remains a battle.

Aging Gracefully

I have no concept of that sentiment except ‘don’t complain’. Who among us would welcome aging’s insults? Perspective is a different story. I’d much rather have the perspective I have now than I did at twenty, though I thought I knew all there was to know of any importance.

And we do know a lot at twenty. We’re not idiots (unless we actually are); we’re just inexperienced.

I made some colossally poor decisions in my teens and twenties – choices I would make differently now – and some I wished I had then, but that all goes into the experience bucket. Those poor choices helped me grow and make different choices. I don’t know if they were ‘better’ choices, but they were more helpful, often.

Choosing therapy was a good decision. It has taken the better part of my life to use half the wisdom gained through good therapists (along with how to spot a terrible one – or even if a therapist isn’t a good fit, or if I could go no further with them).

So many decisions were fear-based, and there’s no do-over, so I have to live with that. Some non-action turned out in my favor – by grace – or luck, so I’m grateful.

I’ve been seeing more of my selfish, self-seeking behavior and it stings to know I’m a shitty human sometimes, but I’m still alive so I can change.

I hate aging, but I’m grateful for my relatively strong body. I have to work for it, and sometimes I skip work-outs, but forgiving myself is important because being an asshole isn’t going to make me feel or do better.

I quit alcohol six months ago. It’s kind of incredible that much time has passed. That was my only goal then, but I’ve since slowly gotten into a recovery program as well – although I still loathe the cultish vibe but recognize that for some, it’s recovery or death. I have only to look at my parents’ history to know it could, and likely would, have gotten worse for me had I not quit.

I know alcohol addiction is ‘cunning, baffling, and powerful’, to quote AA literature, as well as understanding that I will find myself without defense against the first drink, and my only remedy for continued sobriety is to work with others wanting sobriety.

Alcohol also contributes to aging quicker. Sugar is the real culprit, so I have to cut down on sweets if I want to cut down inflammation, which contributes to aging.

It’s tough to see my once smooth, collagen-filled skin starting to look like droopy lizard hide.

So, embrace it, the gurus say. I might, eventually. It’s still fairly new though, so I’m in the mourning phase. Now I’m supposed to become a sage, or crone – realizing that my intellect is still keen, and could be for the rest of my life, barring disease or accidents – and true power is more of the mind than body. Still, I don’t like how menopause has wrecked my libido, or how my skin is thinning, or my hair, once vibrant strawberry-blonde, is now fading & becoming white streaked.

Acceptance is not approval and is the first step to freedom. I can’t be held captive to something I make peace with, but it’s a process, and anything I ever let go of has claw marks all over it.

Graceful I’m not; aging I am.