I once heard how a goldfish swimming around its bowl is perpetually surprised to find someone looking at it on each go around. I feel like that’s me.
Once again, I’m trying to hold myself away from the darkness.
Every year – every year!, I think this year will be different. This is where the therapists, psychologists, psychotherapists, etc., have it wrong. They just do. This just has to be endured. I don’t encourage this, or ask for this, or want this. I do my best to change the circumstances, the feelings, my attitude, my situation, my – being.
It’s like something descends upon me, or pulls me, or – I don’t know, but I have spent the last 30 years of my life trying to fend this off and I have yet to change it.
Maybe I have allowed it without being aware? I reject that. This is not my doing. I work toward a stable, content, capable life – all the time. Maybe something is attached to me that has the most power this time of year, or whenever I’m most vulnerable?
Trying to think my way out of this does not work. I know that something lets go – eventually – but I get closer to stepping off the world too.
All I can do now is be as kind as I can. Don’t judge, don’t demean or belittle myself – and don’t accept defeat.
© seekingsearchingmeaning (aka Hermionejh), Making A Way Blog, 2010 – current