I always have the best come-backs or arguments when the other person’s not there. I get to say what I wish I said, in the way I wanted to say it – without any blow-back or hurt feelings.
Conversations I’ve had with my son in particular get re-hashed and honed, but they’re never said.
I’ve not yet started a conversation with: ‘Remember when you said to me… well, I’ve since thought about it, and here’s my refined thoughts.’ (Translation, and here’s why I’m right / have the better argument).
I’m not sure why I do that. I guess it helps me feel better, or fully heard? Slights, or shitty behavior especially have me in a mental twist when I’ve held my tongue because I’m a coward. Or maybe because it seems futile. Or they’ve demonstrated a lack of care or concern.
Yelling at the Universe is probably my most frequent tirade. Why would you allow idiot humanity to continue?, I demand of a pretend deity who never answers me, funnily enough.
I can answer back when someone is crappy to me, but I’ve already weighed the consequences of further engagement in the moment. Do I just want to be right, or to continue an empty argument? What’s my goal?
Sometimes I feel like I’ve had a profound insight, but who cares? Good for me, I can go live my life better now.
But these arguments don’t improve my life, or maybe they’re a form of closure or resolution to conversations or situations that felt unsatisfying?
I think it’s also about emotional safety. My therapist will say it’s family system work. I was a peacemaker, and a keen observer. I knew what would keep me safest, or what I thought would keep me safe.
So now maybe my job is to accept others regardless of my approval, and instead of trying to prove my worth or value after the fact, honor and respect myself, and try to be brave in the moment with others as best I can, forgiving myself for my lack.
© seekingsearchingmeaning (aka Hermionejh) and Abstractly Distracted’s Blog, 2010 – current