Arguments I Have In My Head

I always have the best come-backs or arguments when the other person’s not there. I get to say what I wish I said, in the way I wanted to say it – without any blow-back or hurt feelings.

Conversations I’ve had with my son in particular get re-hashed and honed, but they’re never said.

I’ve not yet started a conversation with: ‘Remember when you said to me… well, I’ve since thought about it, and here’s my refined thoughts.’ (Translation, and here’s why I’m right / have the better argument).

I’m not sure why I do that. I guess it helps me feel better, or fully heard? Slights, or shitty behavior especially have me in a mental twist when I’ve held my tongue because I’m a coward. Or maybe because it seems futile. Or they’ve demonstrated a lack of care or concern.

Yelling at the Universe is probably my most frequent tirade. Why would you allow idiot humanity to continue?, I demand of a pretend deity who never answers me, funnily enough.

I can answer back when someone is crappy to me, but I’ve already weighed the consequences of further engagement in the moment. Do I just want to be right, or to continue an empty argument? What’s my goal?

Sometimes I feel like I’ve had a profound insight, but who cares? Good for me, I can go live my life better now.

But these arguments don’t improve my life, or maybe they’re a form of closure or resolution to conversations or situations that felt unsatisfying?

I think it’s also about emotional safety. My therapist will say it’s family system work. I was a peacemaker, and a keen observer. I knew what would keep me safest, or what I thought would keep me safe.

So now maybe my job is to accept others regardless of my approval, and instead of trying to prove my worth or value after the fact, honor and respect myself, and try to be brave in the moment with others as best I can, forgiving myself for my lack.

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© seekingsearchingmeaning (aka Hermionejh) and Abstractly Distracted’s Blog, 2010 – current

Springing Out Of My Head

Happy Spring! I like to use Ruth Sanderson’s illustration of Spring, it says all the words without saying a thing.

http://goldenwoodstudio.com/product/spring-faerie/

It’s dichotomous for me though. More light is fantastic and renewing, and hearing familiar Spring bird calls, and seeing robins in the yard again is hopeful, but there is this other thing – maybe trauma – maybe damaged wiring, and other factors, but I get more stuck in my mental mire, and I do work at un-sticking myself. It’s why I’m still here, and I know that it would hurt several people who are dear to me and I to them, so I keep trying, but that entity, because it’s more than a voice or mere thought, wants me dead.

It tells me how screwed-up I am, what a worthless soul taking up better people’s air and space. It whispers me awake when I’m most vulnerable, and haunts me throughout my days – but I stand with fists up and tell it to STOP – that it’s lying, that it’s spouting only half-truths, that I have value.

An old friend telling me that she doesn’t struggle, she has challenges, after I told her I was struggling was like a slap in the face. Wow, way to put yourself above me and make me feel worse in one small statement. Sure, I’m challenged too.

Struggle is noble. Struggle is the human condition, and we cheer for those overcoming struggle because we know what a fucking daunting task it can be. But, if challenge sounds more refined, we’ll go with that.

I called because I’m extremely challenged and need a friend. Can you spare a few minutes?

Luckily, my anger has been my friend all along. It may be misplaced at times, but it fights for me, and I think it has kept me in this world when I can’t access the love of true friends or family.

Spring is the season of anger I learned from an acupuncturist I once went to. All that energy is needed to push through hard ground and weather swings this time of year – an apt metaphor any time of year!

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© seekingsearchingmeaning (aka Hermionejh) and Abstractly Distracted’s Blog, 2010 – current

Music, Sweet Music

My band recently broke up, and sad as that is, my significant other and I put an ad on Craigslist for another.

We’ve had all kinds of inquires, which is encouraging, but most are for heavy metal players (even though we stated classic rock, some country, and some modern tunes in our ad), and others too far away for our wants.

It’s hard to keep a band going, we’ve found. Even when the players all know each other, and like the same music, life intervenes in a myriad of ways.

Drug and alcohol abuse probably break up more bands than anything else, but even that doesn’t break up every band.

Being able to show up and make it through a gig is paramount for me.  Making practice is another biggie. Some folks can practice on their own and just show up and play through fine, but I like the rapport with band mates, and getting to know each other.

We become a family of sorts, and the camaraderie and fun adds to the audience’s enjoyment. If we’re having fun, they’re having fun. If we screw up and laugh it off, it gives our audience permission to laugh it off.

It’s hard to laugh off a band member messing up song after song or being too drunk or high to play.

We’re hoping to avoid that this time. Wish us luck!

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© seekingsearchingmeaning (aka Hermionejh) and Abstractly Distracted’s Blog, 2010 – current

These January Days

Silent, cold, and dark.

Drifting along the murky river –

Too deep to touch without submerging

Too swift to leave the flow.

Settle in and try to let go.

It’s just a dream

So why am I weeping?

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© seekingsearchingmeaning (aka Hermionejh) and Abstractly Distracted’s Blog, 2010 – current