Happy Spring! I like to use Ruth Sanderson’s illustration of Spring, it says all the words without saying a thing.
It’s dichotomous for me though. More light is fantastic and renewing, and hearing familiar Spring bird calls, and seeing robins in the yard again is hopeful, but there is this other thing – maybe trauma – maybe damaged wiring, and other factors, but I get more stuck in my mental mire, and I do work at un-sticking myself. It’s why I’m still here, and I know that it would hurt several people who are dear to me and I to them, so I keep trying, but that entity, because it’s more than a voice or mere thought, wants me dead.
It tells me how screwed-up I am, what a worthless soul taking up better people’s air and space. It whispers me awake when I’m most vulnerable, and haunts me throughout my days – but I stand with fists up and tell it to STOP – that it’s lying, that it’s spouting only half-truths, that I have value.
An old friend telling me that she doesn’t struggle, she has challenges, after I told her I was struggling was like a slap in the face. Wow, way to put yourself above me and make me feel worse in one small statement. Sure, I’m challenged too.
Struggle is noble. Struggle is the human condition, and we cheer for those overcoming struggle because we know what a fucking daunting task it can be. But, if challenge sounds more refined, we’ll go with that.
I called because I’m extremely challenged and need a friend. Can you spare a few minutes?
Luckily, my anger has been my friend all along. It may be misplaced at times, but it fights for me, and I think it has kept me in this world when I can’t access the love of true friends or family.
Spring is the season of anger I learned from an acupuncturist I once went to. All that energy is needed to push through hard ground and weather swings this time of year – an apt metaphor any time of year!
© seekingsearchingmeaning (aka Hermionejh) and Abstractly Distracted’s Blog, 2010 – current