A Passing Apparition

August 12, 2012May 19, 2015 / Hermionejh / 6 Comments

An apparition passed by the window next door as I stood washing my dishes, feeling thoroughly world-weary. Was its presence a warning, or maybe it was attracted to my gloom?

The specter wanted me to notice it because the people chatting and laughing deeper in the room had their backs turned away from the window.

It was a simple act, the ghostly glide before my eyes. No turning, no staring, no creepy tricks about it.

You are here, it implied to me. You are here and you are wasting your life. Look at me, I’m now a shadow and have no chance to act differently, to create a new path.

And perhaps what I thought I saw wasn’t there at all.

Is This Like The Guest Who Comes Late To The Dinner Party?

July 21, 2012July 23, 2012 / Hermionejh / 10 Comments

In April and May (of this year – thank goodness) I was nominated for three awards. I did thank my wonderful fellow(ine?) bloggers at the time, and meant to post about them that week (what’s that saying about best intentions?)…

Time runs away, and while I didn’t forget about it, I’m ~~lazy~~ busy. Ahem. Please forgive me!

My first two awards came from Emma at: http://emmabauer.wordpress.com/2012/04/04/sunshine-on-my-shoulders-makes-me-happy/ – The Sunshine Award, and the second, The Versatile Blogger Award: http://emmabauer.wordpress.com/2012/04/06/go-ahead-make-my-day/

I was bestowed with The Versatile Blogger Award by Renee Moore (http://pooterandboogersplace.wordpress.com/) last year, and feel I’ve fulfilled the requirements for that, so I shall fulfill the requirements for my other awards below.

My third, the One Lovely Blog Award, came from Diane at: http://hometogo232.wordpress.com/2012/05/11/one-lovely-blog-award/

I have updated the One Lovely Blog Award to: One Awesome Blog, because that encompasses more of what I like.

(You can view and copy these Award pngs here: https://seekingsearchingmeaning.wordpress.com/this-is-where-ive-written-something-about-myself/) You need to scroll down past my introduction to find them.

Thank you so much Emma and Diane, (and Renee too!) for these kudos!

The Sunshine Award: Given to “bloggers who positively and creatively inspire others in the blogosphere”.

Nominate and link to ten blogs/bloggers that you believe worthy of this award:

Streams Of Consciousness http://brendamarroyauthor.com/

Joe Mohr’s Cartoon Archive http://joemohrtoons.com/

Happy Valley News http://happyvalleynews.wordpress.com/

Clotilda Jamcracker http://clotildajamcracker.wordpress.com/

Photo Nature Blog http://photonatureblog.com/

FrizzText Flickr Comments http://flickrcomments.wordpress.com/

Dean J. Baker http://deanjbaker.wordpress.com/

Bucket List Publications http://lesleycarter.wordpress.com/

Corporate Skirts http://corporateskirts.wordpress.com/

The Good Greatsby http://thegoodgreatsby.com/

Then list ten things about yourself:

Ten things you might (not want) to know about me:

I can ride a unicycle.

I want to run a 5K as soon as I’m fit enough.

I have crossed off two items on my bucket list in the last few years: Kissing the Blarney Stone, and going to Smead Island (a small island in the Connecticut River near Montague City, MA).

Swimming with Dolphins, traveling to Greece, writing a novel/memoir, and singing with Bono/U2 are the biggest items left on my bucket list.

Orbit is my favorite chewing gum.

Scooby-Doo, Looney Tunes, The Flintstones, and The Jetsons, are at the top of my favorite cartoons list.

I had never heard of ‘Cowpunk‘ until one of my band-mates said that’s our basic genre. I thought we were classic rock, uptempo-ed country and pop.

I recorded my first song when I was eleven or twelve.

I lived in a commune/cult for over half of my childhood.

Davy Jones was my favorite Monkee, David Cassidy was my favorite Partridge, and John Lennon was my favorite Beatle – although Ringo Starr was a close second.

********

I’m only listing other blogs I like for the One ~~Lovely~~ Awesome Blog Award requirements because I’ve already said enough about me!

Gingerfightback http://gingerfightback.com/

The Dissemination of Thought http://disseminatedthought.wordpress.com/

Colddeadheart’s Blog http://colddeadheart.wordpress.com/

Stories About My Life, 92% True http://93percenttrue.wordpress.com/

Life As Modern Wife http://lifeasmodernwife.com/

Sue Healy [Craft Tips For Writers] http://suehealy.org/

Anita Mac and Travel Destination Bucket List http://traveldestinationbucketlist.com/

Thecvillean http://thecvillean.wordpress.com/

Ghost Cities http://anilbalan.com/

Life As A Publisher http://karensyed.wordpress.com/

I so appreciate the awards given to me, apologize for my tardiness in posting about it and giving out props to other blogs I follow. I hope you enjoy them too – and happy reading!

Through The Years

April 27, 2012April 30, 2012 / Hermionejh / 12 Comments

My son is getting his first apartment with college friends. I’m pretending it’s not a big deal. I mean, he’s been away at college for two years now, so, it’s basically the same thing. Except it isn’t. He’s had his bed and most of his stuff here, and in three days and several hours, it will all be gone. I’m trying to stay in the moment, and not trouble trouble until trouble troubles me, as the saying goes.

I was in my son’s room packing up what I can until he gets here and pares down what he wants to get rid of. He already told me he’s not sentimental and doesn’t want his old school year books, or photos, or other keepsakes, but I am sentimental, so I’m keeping most of it. He may have a wife and/or children some day who will actually enjoy seeing some of the things from his youth. It isn’t exactly archeology, but it is history, and I loved seeing my ex-boyfriends’ childhood pictures. It’s a way to connect the past to the present and beyond. I so enjoy looking at my Mom and Dad’s pictures of their youth and childhood. Ever since my Dad died several years ago, those pictures have taken on more meaning. Even though I often rail against life, I also revel in life’s complexity and variety. I embrace change as much as I loathe it. I may not like changing all the time, but as long as I have company, it’s really not too bad.

I’ll be fine with this new life passage, I’m just not overjoyed. I also know that many people are overjoyed to have their personal time back when their children get older and leave home, and maybe I’ll feel that way, eventually.

BW (Black and Whitey) The Cat

February 5, 2012February 5, 2012 / Hermionejh / 6 Comments

When I was fifteen, I spent a lot of time with friends who had a couple of cats. Shemee, and Black and Whitey, but we called her BW. Shemee, a big black male, would often spray on the television (sometimes while we were watching TV – the brazen cad), and a couple of other areas, and BW was a slender girl who would also ‘spray’ in the same areas after Shemee had sprayed. My friends had Shemee neutered shortly after he started spraying, but he continued to spray (although my friends seemed to think that the operation would end his spraying). BW continued to ‘spray’, and would often try to mount Shemee, but Shemee would slap her down.

Both were indoor/outdoor cats, and my friends had hoped that BW would have a litter of kittens before they got her spayed. BW seemed to think she was male, so I doubted she’d ever have kittens. There was a big white Tom cat with one blue and one green eye who roamed the neighborhood. He was usually sweet-natured to humans, but you could see from the chunk out of his ear, and other scars that he’d been in a few fights.

A few years went by and BW still did not have kittens, so my friends assumed she was barren. One of my friends saw the big white Tom catch her later that year, and we wondered if she’d have a successful litter, and if she’d realized she was, in fact, a she. The big day came, and BW was in labor. She had a box in the closet lined with some soft rags, and was mewing piteously for a while, finally birthing – one kitten. She was a good mama though, very attentive and sweet. She stopped trying to spray the television, or mount other cats after that too.

Her kitten was an all white male, proving to have one blue, and one green eye as he grew. My friends let BW get pregnant once more before getting her spayed, and she had a litter of six that time.

BW was a special cat to me, sleeping with me the times I stayed over my friends’ house, and always coming to me for attention. My friends moved away a year or so later, and I never saw them, Shemee, or BW, again, but they remain fondly in my memories.

2011 Christmas Day

December 25, 2011May 19, 2015 / Hermionejh / 4 Comments

It was such a lovely morning. My son gave me a beautiful sweater, and he liked the few gifts I got him as well. He really enjoyed his stuffed stocking, and it makes me so happy to see his happiness. That’s the best aspect of parenting. I don’t care how old your child/ren is/are: wanting for, and taking pleasure in, their happiness, and success, is paramount.

We had a scrambled eggs and bacon breakfast, and then we made our Gingerbread house. We don’t have a good track record at that activity. We’ve only made two of them before, both of which came out awful. We didn’t name the first one, but we dubbed the second one: “Sucky, the Gingerbread House”, and this one my son named: “Mediocre, the Gingerbread House”. We did have a lot of fun making it, and maybe any future attempts will give better results.

My son’s feeling mostly himself again, although he still has a cough, and he told me he woke up drenched in sweat in the middle of the night so he left his room and slept on the couch, where I found him this morning.

He left a little while ago to hang out with friends, and while I want him to stay well, it was really nice to have him home and wanting my help and company for the last few days.

Merry Christmas every one!

Christmas Eves

December 24, 2011December 25, 2011 / Hermionejh / 2 Comments

1989: I spent the evening with Joe; I moved in with him here in Vernon, Vermont, a few weeks ago. I’m happy that there’s snow on the ground so it will be a white Christmas. My brother, Scott, died in October, and I’m sad for my mom this holiday season. I still feel nothing. I don’t know why death doesn’t affect me directly, I guess that’s a coping mechanism.

1990: Our son’s first Christmas. He’s only two months old, so it’s not really a big deal for him, but Joe’s daughter is spending Christmas morning with us, and she’ll be happy to get the Super Nintendo game system with, The Mario Brothers/Duck Hunt, and, Donkey Kong, games, and spend time with her brother. Things have not been good between Joe and I, but we’re trying to work it out.

1991: My father and step-mother are visiting from Florida. I’m happy that my father is getting to spend some time with his grandson, although it’s been kind of awkward when they’re here because my mom is spending Christmas here in my new apartment.

1992: I’m in my new apartment in South Portland, Maine. My mom is here with me, and there is a lot of snow this winter, which Austen loves to play in. My car broke down a few weeks after moving in here, and I can’t afford another one, but there’s a bus stop down at the end of the street, and a few of the Bahá’í‘s here in South Portland bring me to run errands once a week. Joe is visiting over the holidays, and it’s been horrible and stressful – as usual.

1994: San Diego Christmas is quite different from what I’m used to. It’s not really warm, about the mid-50°F’s, and rainy, but the air feels different, and I’m not sure I like it. I’m at a 10-day program because I don’t want to live anymore but Tammy convinced me to see if this will help me. I’ll get a counselor, and start an antidepressant, and I know it’s what I need to do, but I feel horrible being away for Christmas.

1996: Back in Massachusetts. My mother is spending Christmas with me and Austen in our tiny apartment. Things have been awful. I’m still not getting child support, so that just makes everything tougher.

1999: It’s been a strange year. I’m wondering if the Y2K thing is really going to screw up computers worldwide – I doubt it. I told Austen that Santa was a real person a long time ago, and his spirit still lives on through all of us. The other kids at school were picking on him for still believing in Santa. He refused to believe me when I told him Santa isn’t still alive. I don’t know if I did the right thing.

2001: I consider this the millennium year, even though I know many people considered 2000 to be the turn of the century. I guess it’s both: 2000 because it’s no longer 19-something, but 2001 because CE started with year 1, so 2001 makes two-thousand years. We’re still here, although a bunch of freaks were trying to convince whomever they could that the world was going to end.

2011: I think my favorite aspect of Christmas Eve is filling my son’s stocking. When he was little, it was so gratifying to see his delight, and share in how fun Christmas was for him. He used to love Christmas carols and we’d sing them together, and now he can barely stand them. He’s feeling so much better tonight, but still coughing a lot. I might watch, It’s A Wonderful Life, but I’m feeling tired, so maybe I’ll just go to sleep. My throat is feeling a bit scratchy, and I hope I don’t get sick too.

This year has been so strange. As I looked back through old diaries and read so much of where I’ve been, and what my life is like now, I appreciate now so much. I don’t care if someone reads my old journals someday, but I sincerely doubt they’d read for very long. I’m just grateful that I’m not as affected by the vicissitudes of life anymore. I also did a great deal of healing work to get where I am now, and will most likely finish that work with my last breath. I’m thankful to be alive, and hope I won’t die until I accomplish most, if not all, of my goals.

Festive Photos

December 15, 2011May 19, 2015 / Hermionejh / 2 Comments

I’m not sure if I wish I were a better decorator, or more into decorating, or if I wish I simply enjoyed the efforts of my friends and others, and leave it at that. Decking the halls (any halls, in any season) is not my forte. It never has been, and more than likely, never will be. It’s so lovely when a home is made beautiful, and I can appreciate it, but I’m more of a minimalist. That probably stems from having moved so often rather than any true life philosophy.

I know this looks like a sailor hat, but it’s really a Santa/Elf cap. I didn’t realize how far back it had slid!

I like how my shaky low-light exposure picture-taking caused the lights to look like Christmas bells! I should pretend that I meant to take the picture that way, but it would come back to me somehow. I’d get asked to create more pictures like that, and never be able to replicate it! 😉

O Christmas Tree

December 13, 2011May 19, 2015 / Hermionejh

I’m really enjoying my Christmas tree. Part of me feels bad that a tree was cut down so I could bring it inside my house to decorate and light up, only to discard it a few weeks from now. I’ve struggled with that dilemma the last few times I got a real Christmas tree. I didn’t even have a tree last year, but it really cheers up the room. I’ve bought artificial trees twice now, and used them until I became really allergic (because of all the dust they gather – and likely some mildew too from humid summer weather), and the best option is probably a potted live tree that I can plant in the spring. Although, not only do I like a taller Christmas tree than is reasonable with a potted tree, I’d have to get permission from the landlord to plant it, or find some other land to plant the tree on. Seeing the top of my tree nearly reach the ceiling is satisfying somehow, and no artificial tree has the lovely aroma of fresh pine – no matter how much they ‘scent’ it in the factory.

Many years ago, my next oldest sister and I, along with our younger brother, went to Florida to spend Christmas with our father and step-mother. Our father didn’t want to get a Christmas tree, but we kids decided he and our step-mother needed one, so off my sister, brother, and I went the next day, while my father and step-mother were at work, and bought a beautiful potted Norfolk pine that stood about four and half feet high.

We also bought decorations for it, and after we adorned it, and lit the tree up, the house felt much more festive. A year or so later, my step-mother sent me a picture of the pine, which they had planted in their back yard. It had filled out beautifully and grown about six more feet.

I’ve always felt glad that we ignored my father’s ‘waste of time and money’ objections and got the tree. Even though my father has been gone for several years, and he and my step-mother had divorced many years before that, I wonder about that tree every Christmas. It must be fairly majestic by now, if it’s still there.

Maybe I’ll get a potted Norfolk pine for my Christmas tree next year, although I’m not sure it would take well in our frigid climes.

Trimmed Tree Pictorial Tale

December 6, 2011December 8, 2011 / Hermionejh / 4 Comments

It felt very odd to not decorate my Christmas tree with my son, but I didn’t want to leave it bare for two weeks. I decided to put the tree in the corner by my bookcases, and I’m enjoying having one this year, even though I think I’m a bit allergic to it.

My lack of skill with a camera made this a kind of cool picture where the light trails remind me of Santa’s reindeer, flying through the air:

Christmas trees look so much better in the dark!

When I was four or five, until I was nine or so, I’d shimmy under the Christmas tree every year, looking up through the branches with un-focused eyes until the lights resembled something like this:

Almost every ornament holds a special memory, or marks stages of my adult life. My first serious boyfriend and I bought frosted glass bulbs for our first Christmas together. He got half of them when we broke up seven years later. I doubt he kept his, but I’m glad I still have mine.

My son made a few ornaments during his grammar school years that bring back those Christmases to me when I hang them up. A hardened dough, glazed, and painted bone he made in his sixth grade class, (the year my mother got a beagle from the animal shelter, and the dog was on my son’s mind when he created the ornament), and a variety of others from my son’s first Christmas, to this year’s ornament that the folks at the tree farm gave to everyone buying a tree, commemorating the volunteers who helped with clean up and salvage after Hurricane Irene’s flood devastation this past August.

Son Day

November 22, 2011November 22, 2011 / Hermionejh / 2 Comments

I’m so excited to see my son today! I get to have him home an extra day for the Thanksgiving holiday, even though most of his time will be spent with his friends who are also coming home for the holiday. Just knowing he’ll be here feels so good to me, although I know it feels nearly opposite to him. It’s not that he doesn’t like being home and seeing me and his other family, it’s that his life is at school now, with his own group. He told me he doesn’t sleep well when he’s home, and doesn’t know why. I think it’s because he’d rather be in his world. We will always belong to one another, but he has his own life now, one in which he sleeps better than when he’s here…

It made me sad to hear that, but I got over it. It’s not personal in a mean way, it’s just life stages. I had a really different childhood experience, and was separated too early from my mother, after her divorce from my father (which was a very good thing for all of us, but still disruptive and chaotic). My son got to have a healthy, self-directed separation, and he’s so much less emotional or sentimental than I am, so it sucks for me…

We have the same sense of humor and like to talk about a myriad of subjects (when he’s willing to talk), but when he’s home and not with his friends, he prefers to spend his time reading or working on the computer.

I’m doing my best to find common interests to connect with him on, but it’s tough when our personalities and styles are so different. Maybe if he ever has children, we’ll get to re-bond then.