I want to say it’s dark, and suffocating – but that’s only a moment. It’s somewhat neutral, isn’t it – this grief?
It sinks like a stone to the bottom of my soul – but I no longer release it in a howl of pain.
Still, it has changed me.
Doesn’t all of life change us though? Doesn’t the every day living – the dashed hopes, the missed opportunities, the not being able to get out of my own way?
There are jealousies, revengeful feelings (if not actions), betrayal, scorn, gossip, lost connections, anger, hate, sadness, depression, anxiety.
But also love – especially love – and connection, jubilation, contentment, peace, calm, joy, fondness, ease.
But loss – all of these losses – the ones that Judith Viorst called “Necessary Losses” in her book I read so long ago all I remember is the title and the gist of it, loss has not left me.
I am learning to live with it.
The cupboard it lives in was dark and grim when I first discovered it. I kept it as it was for many years, only approaching it to lock it back up when the winds of my life blew it open.
It flew open so forcefully the other day that one of the doors broke off its hinge. I tried to nail it shut, but the nails wouldn’t hold anymore.
I mustered my courage and looked inside.
It was musty and the old paint was peeling, so I decided to clean it out.
I painted it a light, sparkling green. I put vanilla-scented sticks tied with a purple ribbon on the center shelf, and placed my cozy blue comforter on the bottom. The top shelf is filled with pictures of loved-ones gone on before me.
It’s nicer to weep there now.
© seekingsearchingmeaning (aka Hermionejh), Making A Way Blog, 2010 – current
2 thoughts on “Steeped”
Hey that was really genuine and heartfelt, and I’m sorry for any losses you’ve had to go through 🥺 and I hope that you can not just live with it but grow from it too!
Thank you so much for your thoughts, and commenting! I do feel like I have grown through the pain, and gaining insights. Sometimes it’s “one step forward, two steps back,” but as long as I keep going, I think I’ll be where I need to be! Cheers!
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